02:10 a.m.

I looked at my phone, expecting to see your name there. still no word. I had three beers and barely any food and I was next door to the place you said you might be. I kept looking down the sidewalk wondering if you would appear. wondering if you'd be smoking, or drinking, or something. hoping not to see you. hoping to see you. I miss you.
I skanked my heart out to ska music that I wish you could hear. I kept looking everytime someone came in the door, hoping it would be you. hoping to see you. but you weren't there. I miss you.
I waited until I knew you had friends, until you were secure, until I knew everything would be ok with you. I waited for the moment when you were most likely to be ok, but you jumped the gun and pushed my hand and the shot was fired and I wasn't ready. I miss you.
I didn't mean to drink tonight, but when I kept crying and didn't want to stay in my roommate said, "want to go out for a drink?" so I did. then I ran into my friend and we went to the show and I got a free beer. then my friend and I took her friend home and I wasn't ready for bed yet so she said, "want to get a drink?" so I said, "yeah." And now I'm home and it's 2:15 and I miss you so fucking much. I'm alone in my apartment and I can't imagine going the rest of my life without seeing you again. I want to be someone else and I want to love you like you love me.
i hate this situation and I miss you so much.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

09:39 p.m.

it's just something I ate
my stomach's all fucked up again
it's been a while since it was this bad
and I'm wondering what the perfect combo is
of not eating, stressful working, and a deteriorating relationship
no sleep, sad dreams, mistaken sense of time,
unrealistic crushes on people who don't exist
wolves, geniuses, characters.
there is
the excessive fantasy of that which cannot be
not unlikely, just impossible
I am so sick.
my stomach heaves and I want to put myself to bed and not worry anymore.
my drawings are no comfort,
it's just people that will not be to me
people that refuse to be near me.
I miss charcoal, absorbing all the toxins
I miss charcoal, making me look toxic
I miss the stain on my fingers and in my shit
I miss those selfish, simple times.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

11:21 p.m.

mostly stream of consciousness
jets to brazil used to mean so much to me but it still does it just reminds me of someone who hurt me, the first real big hurt and the suicide attempt that preceded it and I remember the darkness and I've written about it som uch that it doesn't even feel like me anymore I miss you and I wish that you weren't so far away and I don't want to miss you anymore or anyone or any person I just want to be content where I am and be content with no one and I am so terrified of being alone without someone to complete me and tell me who to be and what to do and to help me do everything but didn't you know that I can call people now I can call call call and talk and not feel like a moron or like I'm going to fuck up every word I always imagined myself as stronger than this and people used to talk about my confidence but inside I always shuddered and now that I am trying so hard to be the person I've enver been but pretended to be I'm realizing it's an unattainable goal and I will never not be petty and never not be selfisn and never be able to actually say what I'm thinking I just want it to be easy but it's only ever going to be hard even though I say that's better it really just isn't.
I don't deserve anyhitng and I'm waiting for that to really sink in and for me to be able to start again at the very beginning without any of the shit I've managed to pick up over the years I can't wait to trust again I can't wait to raelly be able to do that and to be in bed with someone and know that when I wake up we'll want each other equally not in the way that I've felt before when they or I would have been happier alone I just want to be .. me and myself and I am so tired fo relying on other people for my happiness and fulfillment I just want to get along with myself and trust myself and trust other people and actually be in love.
eventually.
if I'm lucky.

Monday, September 10, 2007

11:07 p.m.

compr-appr-ehension on a new level.
everything is standing still.
I've been dreaming again, but it's different this time. I want someone to believe me. I want to touch someone who understands. I want them to say my words before I open my mouth.
I whispered, "I still love you," and in my head he looked surprised and something else. I didn't know how he felt anymore. I haven't for a while. I woke up
and there was no one there beside me, and she didn't say goodbye before she left. is that how she expects me to leave? quietly? I woke up and thought it was so much earlier than it was. my alarm didn't lie, but my body did.
I am losing it on one level just as I start to really get things together. gotta run with this feeling, this motivation, before the ennui sets back in. before the winter comes and I am blanketed.
I am looking forward to the winter this year. it will be an excuse to not see anyone, to just be alone. I am planning lists and things to organize. I think that I only get worse as the years pass. I think that when I am old I will be insane and not know where I am. I think that I will call everyone by the wrong name, but not do any of it on purpose.
where do we come from that cultivates such melancholy? why doesn't anyone call just to talk? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
I have been drinking again. not alcohol. tea. I have been caffeinating myself and might be the worse for the wear. I think I want to shave my head. I think I want to die. eventually.
something's happening. can you feel it? it's heavy and subtle. it's going to change everything. it's going to save me.
I can't wait to be alone again.
I can't wait for the winter.

Monday, September 10, 2007

03:15 a.m.

a new plan
make a chart of stars to map out the next destination after departing from these tragic shores. pin point each location at first, but afterwards leave time to aimlessly drift. lost on the ocean, no occasion for measuring distance or calculating longitude; latitude. board other ships. conquer. land for supplies and what you can't buy, take. don't ever stay too long. mark distant areas for infrequent travel so as to learn the native tongues but never become a regular. always stay a tourist. always leave as soon as you have what you want.
take prisoners, but discard them quickly. prisoners always, passengers never. stowaways will not be tolerated. this is not a time for hittchhikers. this is not a time for compromise. this is every person for themself. this is war : you against the ground. your only ally is the water that keeps you drifting. word is it's playing both sides.

Friday, September 7, 2007

11:10 p.m.

are you feeling better now?
there are those random things that remind me of you. putting a sheet on the futon under my bed; remembering picking it out with you. the expensive mattress and cheap frame. the way we never put a sheet on it when it was our couch. the sex I had on it with men that were not you while you sat in the other room, playing on the computer that became mine.
oh, I treated you so cruelly but just remember it was you who stayed with me. you've always been so desperate for any attention that you'd take whoever would give it, even if that person was me. even if that person was the one you moved to california with.
all you've ever done is follow the dreams of others. I want to hurt you. I wish I still had that capacity. your girlfriend seems threatened by me which makes me think I probably do still have that ability even without trying.
I hope my ghost still haunts your memories like you haunt mine. I hope you find yourself boxing up more and more things that you don't want to remember. I hope it hurts.
I wasn't good to you, not all the time. and you weren't good for me, not all the time. there was a point when we meshed so beautifully I felt embarrassed for everyone who couldn't feel the way we did. I felt sorry for them. there was a time that I can point to and say, "there. that's when I was happy."
you were my forever. somewhere you still are, but I'm not there anymore. neither is the you that exists now. somewhere, sometime, we're still together and we made it work. somewhere, sometime, we're still in happy. we made it through.
I remember thinking, "someday years from now we'll look back on this shit-hole and think about how happy we were," and I guess that someday is now. the difference is that I thought we'd be remembering it together.
look, yeah, I don't want you back anymore. you've changed and not for the better. but I'm not over you. that's going to take much longer than what I've had.
I miss you, but not enough to let you know.

Friday, August 24, 2007

09:55 p.m.

this is a mess, but I don't think I am
it's not fair to do what I'm doing, just like it wasn't fair of her to do what she did. nothing is fair in life or love or war. does that equality make us all even and by definition mean life is fair? am I cheating myself by thinking otherwise?
I slip into this melancholy pretty easily. I know what it means. it means the dreams are going to stay for a while, and there will probably be crying and I'll just sink further and further until one day I break and everything will change again.
I always miss simplicity, as though it were something my life has ever had. I have such a skewed vision of who I am, who I was, and how I will react to things. no wonder I trust other people's opinions of me more than I trust my own knowledge.
there are things about her that drive me crazy. she drives me crazy. ducky said "at least give her a reason better than the one he gave me" and I started talking and then just didn't want to continue. I don't want to hurt her but I'm not being fair, right? well, neither is she.
she knows this is happening. anyone could. I hate myself for it and I hate her for it too. I've ceased to make plans with her past a certain time -- like I used to before, the other times. but this will be different. this will be different because I finally feel like I have a choice. this is the entire reason I am where I am now.
oh, I am not looking forward to the tears to come; her's and mine. I am not looking forward to the nights or the explanations or any of it. I understand the need for a clean break but somehow I think this one's going to have shards and pins and be a long painful process.
sometimes I think back to last february when we were sitting on my roommate's futon and I was convinced she would be the one to break my heart. it seems so ironic now.
there's no one to go to. it's just me this time. I am so afraid of being alone. frightened but excited. it hasn't even happened yet. I feel like shit for planning it. I feel so calculating. I want to erase everything I've just written.
here, let's try again -

I feel old tonight. my skin is stretched too tight but sags at the same time. I am an old person in a young body and every part of me is fighting against itself. I want to be strong but weak, collapse but hold firm. I bend but break anyway. plans are useless when they're constantly changing. I can't make a decision if I'm always waiting for someone else to move first. I wish I'd been born someone else so I could hold my hand for me. my hesitation perpetuates my anxiety and everything bleeds into one bandage so each wound is indistinguishable from the next. this leads to this leads to this .. round and around and scabbing and ...
her scab came off in my hand. it was red and new underneath. but mine bled. it frightened me more than it should have.
I feel guilty for wanting to end this. it bubbles in my head and I wonder if I'm doing a disservice by waiting. she deserves someone who loves her for her. everyone I date wants to better themselves for me, they all tell me that, but when we're over they just revert. what was the point in changing at all?
time for bed now and I'm hoping I'll collapse into dreams of someone to hold me, something new and comforting. I want a kind voice but I don't want to talk about anything at all.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

12:15 a.m.

I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray
I dreamt about him last night. the one I dream about whenever I'm not happy with life. there was a time when he visited my head every night.
it's been months since he appeared. it's been twelve years since the last time I saw him. there was something there, or could have been. there was some bond that was supposed to have been made that never had the chance to grow. I always wanted him to have a better life than the one which he was given.
when I believed in praying, I prayed for him.
last night his lips were rough, but mine were too. our mouths were dry and the first kiss was chaste but long in coming. the second kiss found our lips moister and the contact was longer but it was that first kiss that I really remembered.
I felt it all day.
strange to feel something that never happened.
I don't trust my feelings anymore. my heart is giving up on me, succumbing to my brain. my relationship won't last much longer and then I might just feel like riding the wind somewhere else for a while. I have been tied down for too long. it's been over six years since the last time I was single for more than two weeks. it's been over six years since I got to taste what "alone" really felt like.
I want to try something new. I've done monogamy and non-monogamy. I've dated men and women and made out with trannies. what else is there? what will complete me?

me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

01:35 a.m.

a hideous math joke because of my tattoo
I have forgotten how to write poetry.
no, no, I have unlearned how to write poetry. it was my saviour for years throughout highschool and afterwards and I just tossed it aside.
I can't write it anymore. see?

see? I just wrote some lines and then erased them and then stared at the blankness and wrote this instead.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

01:45 a.m.

late night ranting, won't sleep, can't do anything but dream
you were there for four years and then the bough broke and I we both started tumbling. I say the word "divorce" in my head and my mouth feels sooty. I taste the remnants of something that was good when it was fresh but has been burnt too many times now for the flavor to be discerned from the fire. you are charcoal in my mouth. my blood moves like every cell is contaminated by ashes and I just want to go back three years and move someplace else. I want to believe that we could have been saved.
I don't want where I am. I don't want you to want to be without me and I don't want to not be with you. I feel like I'm living somebody else's life. I feel stuck. I miss you and you don't want anything to do with me. I miss you and you are living with and dating the ex-best friend that I betrayed through honesty. you never stop lying to me with your actions. you never stop betraying me.
it's become a habit for you by now. and I keep telling myself I still want you but maybe I just want something else. maybe I just want a time where things felt hopeful, where there was someone with me that I trusted implicitly in all ways of life -- in knowledge, in honesty, in openness, in everything. but you were too subservient, weren't you? so what do I really want anyway?
maybe I just want to be me. maybe I want to know what that is. maybe 26 is too old to start over, maybe it's just fine. maybe it's just that you don't seem to respect me. not me. you don't respect what our relationship was or what we went through together. maybe I'm jealous because you have someone who actually seems suited to you now and I'm still dating people that aren't right for me. I don't know.
I wish you weren't so cruel in your coldness.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

09:36 a.m.

blue october - answer
If I can't crawl inside of you,
I'm laughing with a broken face
I stumble across my self esteem.
But to picture the pleasure is making me want my space.

Understand...
that God wrapped you like a bow.
But in my head...
There's some shelves that need cleaning,
from basement to ceiling, control.

There's a part of me seeking and desperatly needing to open up.
That's strange 'cuz I'm an open book,
a confused boy.

I've got this post dramatic thing
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies
around my wedding finger and thats where I want to state this claim.
That I've got to learn to live and dream
before I go and get myself in love.

Theres Zoloft, Welbutrin, theres Paxil thats proven,
no side effects.
But the rest left unnamed 'cuz they worked like a charm on me.

Friday, April 6, 2007

09:02 a.m.

can we pretend I'm amazing?
I know why I can't sleep. it's the depression, it's anxiety, it's worry, it's life. it's chemical and it's situational. it's her, it's him, it's work, it's me. I can't seem to catch up with anything. I just lag behind, waving my arms and screaming, "wait for me, wait for me!" but life moves on regardless.
I can't find a roommate, I can't find closure, I can't fix my friendships, I can't call a psychiatrist, I can't talk, I can't share, I can't trust. I just dream about people and things. I wake up ten times to turn over and wonder why I'm not sleeping. the texture of the bed smothers me and I dream again. in the morning, I just ignore the time and sleep again and go to work hours late and do my job poorly. wait for me, wait for me.
I'm at the point where I have to get help because this thing is slowly devouring aspects of my life. part of me is already gone. can it regenerate? can I not hate all that is around me? can I love without loss?
everything gets harder when it's talked about. I hate admitting fault.

Friday, April 6, 2007

02:27 a.m.

set to exterminate
I wonder if you ever got to where you were going.
look, in my memory there was someone else, yes, but mostly it was because of you that I left. I have spent the years occasionally forgetting there was another relationship. not that it wasn't important, because it was at the time, but because the gravity of HPV overshadowed that.
it was a trust thing.
I heard reports on the radio last week of a vaccine that has been made to counteract HPV. I kept thinking about you; I kept thinking "what if this had been around ten years ago, or even five? what if she had been injected and then all I would have had to deal with was you wanting someone else?" then the trust would not have been broken. it would not have been a week lapse of you telling me you slept with a girl with an STI.
I remember you being vulnerable. more vulnerable than I had ever seen or will ever see again. I remember your voice and your fear and your sadness. but you still kept lying to me. and it still keeps hurting, two years later.
you signed your letter "goodbye" because that was always final to you. I remember. I remember a lot of things about you. I wonder if you ever acknowledge all I brought to you. I don't know why it's so important to me. I guess I just crave validation. it's a problem. I'm working on it.
you said "goodbye" and something in me screamed and sighed at the same time. I want you gone too, you know. I just can't be succinct about it. you can write me off and shove me in a box and get rid of all of me. but I still have parts of you clinging to me. I still wear the hat you knit, I still think of your back.
yeah, it's over. this is slow going. much slower than I thought. that is how it goes though, right? make a move and spend your life catching up to it.

Sunday, March 25, 2007