11:29 p.m.

I still miss him.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

03:14 a.m.

the plan, in twelve easy steps.

first. squelch any idea that you will ever fuck this boy again.
second. squelch any idea that he will call or communicate in any way.
third. ram those romantic ideas of him leaving roses at your house or car out of your silly head.
fourth. understand that he cares more about himself and his life than he does about you.
fifth. realize that this is fine, because things are over.
sixth. stop thinking you'll get back together with him.
seventh. stop staying up late nights writing about him/it*.
eight. stop listening to songs that remind you of him/it.
ninth. stop trying to create art that reminds you of him/it.
tenth. stop talking about him.
eleventh. get over it.
twelth.move on.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

02:52 a.m.

useless nights
there some nights when I just don't feel like going to bed. I've wasted the day and I don't want to crawl under that blanket and dream about all the shit I didn't take care of.
I can't bear being next to this beautiful human, and I don't want to feel guilty for never being up to my expectations. because he'll roll over and hold me and I'll feel miserable for not going to bed sooner. for never being the person I want to be to him.
I am completely unable to give him what I feel he deserves. I do not want to sleep, I do not want to dream. how many more times can I express this?

what if my dreams started coming true?

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

11:12 a.m.

ignore this.
oh god, I miss him. it aches and it burns and I keep hoping he'll come knocking at my door. I know he won't, though.
I'll just have to deal.
ugh. I've never been good at this part.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

12:30 a.m.

a day late and a dollar short.
too little too late.
maybe there aren't enough phrases to describe this. maybe it's ridiculous that I should even acknowledge this attempt. maybe I don't want to be mean, maybe I don't want to talk about it, maybe I just don't believe it.
because I've given more chances than anyone deserves for such circumstances. I am reminded of my night of vodka-induced vomiting, I am reminded of the self-directed hateful thoughts I've had, I am reminded of the agony I've put myself through just so I can get a handwritten excuse under my windshield wiper.
there is little he could do right now to make up for the bullshit I have allowed. for once, I must admit, I didn't deserve it. and yet, whose fault is it? him for doing it, or mine for taking it?
here. a song.
"Rend It" by fugazi.

Why don't you come to my house
Why don't you drag me right out
Past all the shit that i said i'm saying
Why don't you cut up my mouth
And i don't care what you use
Just don't ask me to choose
I forced a field to allow you
That's not so easy to do
I said I said what I said I want you to help me
Surrender rend it it's yours
Out in the open
We're wide open
Night light comes into my room
Some shade of bruise-colored blue
Moves through my mind like a chemical
Imbalance on schedule
My tasting face to the floor
Passive abject i'm sure
I lick my lips when I need it
Don't want to lick them no more
My love song went wrong

Monday, August 11, 2003

12:30 a.m.

I'm so tired.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

12:18 a.m.

more stupid drama.
I keep trying to tell myself that I don't mind that I'm not going to see or hear from him.
but I do.
isn't it an amazing coincidence that he decides to grow his hair out right after he fucked up again?
I don't want to never see him again, I just want to feel wanted.

Sunday, August 10, 2003

10:11 a.m.

the unreliabilty of memory.
I read through some of my past entries and realized a few things. I didn't make the same mistakes. I made very different ones, with more stupidity and a strange combination of both too much and too little thought.
there are a lot of things I wanted to do with him. generally I feel a great amount of regret when I think of such things, but I just don't now. I'm tired of dragging the "relationship" on for shallow reasons. I'm tired of pulling it along without his help. I'm tired of blaming him for everything when really things just are. there is no blame to be laid because he doesn't know what's going on I don't think he ever has.
tophe and I talked briefly last night about him. not even a paragraph of a conversation. I commented about how I get the feeling T isn't very in touch with himself, and tophe agreed. yet I took all the mistakes he made and blew them so out of proportion I couldn't see the truth behind any of it.
so what is the truth? what do I feel now? I don't know the truth. as for what I feel - I feel too much and too little. I feel bitter and disappointed and happy and filled.
I wanted to spend time with him, holding him, loving him, and being a piece of him that no one else could be. I wanted to walk with him again, without end, just to talk and remember who we were when this started those months ago.
when I was a girl with a mohawk who lent him my sweater in the rain. when my roommate teased me about it all. when we talked of sappiness, when we talked of romance, when those things seemed like options.
but we can never go back to how we are, we can only go forward to how we will be.
and I don't think I'll call him anymore. I used to do that every day, just to hear his voice. to say that I loved him. when was the last time I did that? when was the last time he said it first? I don't know anymore.
it wasn't my turn to keep score.
I don't know if I'll hear from again, without my making contact. before this was a test, now it's just how it is. he's too passive to make a move and I'm too tired to keep up the game.
I don't know what I wanted. I don't know what I got.
but nothing ever turns out the way it's planned. and I'll miss him.
and it's ok.

Saturday, August 9, 2003

04:06 p.m.

sickness or the new normality?
sometimes I want to get pregnant just so I can have an abortion. it's not enough for me to consciously make the decision to not give birth by not getting pregnant - I want to actively enforce that right. I want to take a piece of me that could be alive and kill it.
I want a part of me to die.
I would love it even more if it were his seed that caused it. if it were because of that emotionless time-waster. it seems that he doesn't feel anything. he is blank. I want to be the thing that jogs him out of that.
now I'm putting too much thought into this. I don't want to think about him anymore.
I'm looking forward to forgetting everything about him.

Friday, August 8, 2003

10:21 a.m.

terrors of nothingness
I feel sick inside. I've started imagining monsters in the dark again. it makes me wonder what I'm afraid of. that familiar tingling, certainty of death, but it never is. never is certain, never is death. what is there to fear? my imagination.
it's so frequently been my greatest foe. my best friend.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

01:00 a.m.

he left the light on because he loves me, and I found myself running down the sidewalk. thinking of his face, thinking of his beauty, thinking of the warmth of him beside me. the door was locked, so I fumbled, realizing he wasn't in there, in the room that I opened the door to.
but I had to stop for a moment to record that I love him. to say that I missed him, and it was strange to me that I should do so. but I thought about him today and so many things reminded me of him, and his preferences, and his feelings.
now I stall on the way to bed, thinking of too many things. maybe nothing at all. too many distractions. maybe I should just go upstairs and hold him.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

03:48 a.m.

I get the feeling that I'm slowly killing myself.
or at least driving myself insane.
what the fuck is wrong with me? why can't I stop this?
why won't I stop it?

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

01:26 a.m.

I should be in bed now.
I find myself thinking of all the things he'll never do for me. how ironic it is that he finds his sensitivity weeks after we break up. his tenderness returns, three weeks too late.
it would be nice to leave this place, to leave behind el and t and all the other players that seem to delight in complicating my life. to take my tophe somewhere and just start again. relationships are so fucking weird.
but I know, I know it doesn't matter the nature of the thing. it just matters that it exists. so what of the girl who refuses to let things be? what of the boy who can only love me without a title? is this doable? can I exist?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. maybe I'm the one who needs to cut all ties.
it's just so fucking inconvienent. I've already lost so much. I can't bear to lose any more.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

01:21 a.m.

the el.
I guess her world is stagnant and unchanging, while mine is constantly moving. she leaves no room for spontaneouity - at least not the emotional sort. she believes me to be the same person I was 4 years ago, when really I feel anything but.
self-proclaimed passive-aggressives are a million times more difficult to deal with than the real ones. they chose to be nonsensical. they choose to be difficult. that I can't understand, no more than I can understand what she has done. no more than I can understand cutting off contact with no explanation. no more than I can understand anything that has happened in the past two months - or how things could be going so well, and then suddenly just crash to nothing.
I get the feeling she hasn't thought ahead. or just doesn't care about anything other than herself.

Sunday, July 20, 2003

01:11 a.m.

what I couldn't say.
I want to be the basis of comparison for all subsequent relationships. I want every girl he ever dates to remind him of me; to never match up to me. I want every fantasy to have my face, my body, my voice, my breath. I want to pain him and be in his mind constantly, just barely, in the back, ready to surface unwarranted at any time.
I want him to cry when he leaves me for good - and I know he will leave me. there has never been a doubt in the reality-oriented bit of my mind regarding his future with me.
try to downplay it, try to say other people are ties, but I'm not just his friend. I'm more than what he'll tell me. I hope I frighten him.
he's slowly allowing me to ruin my life.
my animosity is shallowly well-founded.

Friday, July 18, 2003

12:42 a.m.

current status: a caricature of myself.
why am I doing this to myself? can never be happy, can only think of half-remembered things. only remember lips and eyes and hands and things that aren't even connected to reality. all I can do is question myself. my moods, my dreams, my hopes, my lack of hope.
there is no external cure. I write useless shit because I'm so frustrated with my lack of creativity. none of this matters. I used to make such beautiful things. now I feel like nothing.
how long as this been building? how long have I been deteriorating? years? it's easier to see when comparing then to now, but it depresses me too much to do so.
I think I'm just bored.
nothing feels real anymore. just brief bursts of clarity.
I miss feeling like me.

Monday, July 14, 2003

01:14 a.m.

redundancy.
I dreamt I was beautiful. I dreamt of kissing and people and being naked and comfortable in a bathtub with someone that I miss touching.
I dreamt I was so beautiful, so beautiful that when I woke up it made the contrast I perceive even more painful. I was even more pimply and awkward and lumpy than usual. for brief hours I was comfortable with myself, comfortable in dreams, and I was beautiful.
that is something I'll never achieve in waking life.
something I'll only ever long for, and look for in others. something they'll never believe anyway, because my beautiful people don't see their beauty. maybe my beautiful people don't even dream it.
but I hope that for brief moments they can at least see it in me - see how beautiful they are to me.

Monday, July 7, 2003

11:39 p.m.

is it the truth, or just more words?
so I threw a spark into your life and you decided you'd rather let it die than fan it into flame. the disruption I could cause would be too much to manage. everything I type seems foreign, a language I can't quite grasp.
I dreamt I was haunted and couldn't escape the words and images others had put inside me. maybe reality isn't so far apart. I'm just living the whispers others have placed to grow as ideas in my mind. nothing I do is original and nothing I say is new. I'm just a tired sick girl who can't quite get anything right.
I'm just living a life that's already been lived for me, and by degrees I'm realizing my worthlessness and triteness.
Oh someone just give me a branch. someone feed my flames before they die completely. any strong breeze of dissenting opinion could blow me out entirely. any drop of reason may fizzle me out.
I'm so lost right now.
I'm not even sure who I am anymore.

Monday, June 30, 2003

10:40 a.m.

"I thought of you - fuck the whole world."
relief, ever ambiguous. relief from lack of illness, lack of passion, lack of excitement. I can't tell what anything is anymore. I have visions that I can't explain and dreams I refuse to recall.
tophe, do you remember how we used to sit under that tree and read together? do you remember the night I said your mind was full of black wriggling things and you said maybe I was projecting? do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?
I didn't mind too much, I didn't let it go to my head.
oh I remember summer days, bitching about school and work and life. I remember holding you when you started to cry because you'd never known your father. I know how I've hurt you and you just dealt because you knew I'd come back. I always return.
let me tell you though, tophe, it's not always so simple. there's nothing black and white or cut and dry about love and relationships. we have fuzzing at the edges, we can't always see so clearly. my vision is blurred and my numb lips tremble too much. I know what that means, but not everyone does.
I'll say now that things aren't over with he and I. friendship to me has always been a strange entity, and I don't think he realizes that. that's fine. he'll understand.
I won't let him go, anymore that you'd let me. I just can't.
you know my love, though. you know my emotions. I won't ignore you. I can't do that either.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

04:42 p.m.

last night.
got very drunk, very numb, talked a lot to chris about tom, then got very sick and vomited a lot. the toilet is my new best friend. passed out in the bathroom. slept there until 9am, when chris convinced me to go to bed (after I threw up again). slept until noon. went to the bathroom, vomited again. took a shower. fell asleep. told shane I couldn't hang out with him today because I was too sick. was unable to keep down anything, including water. discovered that bile is green.
tried calling tom twice. no answer. haven't been this self-destructive in ages. I think I would have preferred cutting.
this was the climax to a shitty shitty time. I can't believe I fucking did this. this isn't me.
I just wanted to explain things to him. I'm not sure what. maybe it doesn't even matter anymore. maybe I'm done now.
I feel empty.

Friday, June 27, 2003

02:51 a.m.

I'm serving up a screwdriver that's mostly screw. if I could I'd just be roaming the house with the vodka in hand. as it is, I wince with every sip I take from my cup. I burn like there could never be pain inside me, but the past days have reminded me how wrong I am.
drink into oblivion - how much alcohol is in me now? I might as well write now while I'm still conscious of myself.
dizziness and nausea. do you remember laughing with me as I tipsily said you were sassy? do you remember kissing me at the college? do you remember holding my hand and touching my waist and saying "I love you," "I hope you keep me?" Do you remember anything at all?
drink to forget, but I keep remembering. eyes closed as the tears run down. I know if you gave a fuck, if I knew you were thinking of me, this wouldn't hurt so much. are you shielding yourself from me now? why am I so self-destructive?
is drinking better than cutting?
I'm so fucking ashamed.

Friday, June 27, 2003

02:28 a.m.

what I don't really want.
"it's cool, we can still be friends"
by bright eyes

Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily

And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand
We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet
Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneak a kiss
When the waitress turns around

And you even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes
I'm only there so that you're not alone

I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies
I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time
So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk
Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk
I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up

Friday, June 27, 2003

12:41 a.m.

I feel like I'm repeating myself.
I wanted to drink myself into oblivion tonight. I wanted to get so drunk I couldn't remember my name. I wanted to pass out, I wanted to black out, I didn't want to exist anymore.
but I didn't. I wish I had.
fuck. fuckfuckfuck. I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm so sick of saying the same things. I'm told I should call him. I'm told I shouldn't call him. I'm going crazy. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should even listen to anything anyone says. I want to cry.
everywhere.
I'm so scared.
I feel ill, I'm tired, I'm confused. would talking to him help? does not talking to him help? I don't know.
I think I've unlearned everything.

Friday, June 27, 2003

09:46 a.m.

I had a nearly overwhelming urge to call him at 1:30 this morning because I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop thinking about him. I don't know what would have happened if I had called. I'm scared to, at this point, especially at 1:30am.
all these pieces of songs, all these lyrics semi-relevant to the situation, keep playing in my head, all at once. they make a strange montage of sorrow and over top of it all is my running monologue. over everything are my feelings, just as confused as the music, and as varied as the genres. my previous confidence has boiled down into nothing and now I am a quivering mass of "please talk to me."
I feel sick. again. I dreamt about him. again.
things don't feel finished. maybe I don't want them to be.
he knows my schedule. I can't stop these thoughts.
too disjointed now ..

Thursday, June 26, 2003

11:58 p.m.

an odd occurrence.
a girl named nikki IMed me and for a moment I thought it was his ex. after much fumbling she realized she had the wrong emily and that was the end of my terror.
in other news.
I miss him. I keep randomly crying through the day and I'm a little concerned about how work will turn out tomorrow. I happened to look through my email inbox (I check it compulsively in case he happens to write to me - which he unsurprisingly hasn't) and decided that I should give him his own folder, because I've received so many emails. upwards of 60 since march 29, in fact. it seems I used to get one a day, maybe more, with random holes in dates. then the holes got more frequent.
it would be wonderful if I'd hear from him. these past two days have felt like two weeks. maybe he hasn't noticed.`I think I'm going crazy. I can't focus. I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep. I feel like piece of me is missing. I don't feel anything. I am overcome with emotion.
I'm so fucking tired. I'm too fucking awake.
I was reading something and it made me think of him. everything makes me think of him.
why won't he call? is it because I'm crazy? is it because he thinks I don't want him to? is it because he doesn't want to?
I half expected to see him in the park tonight, but wasn't surprised when he wasn't there. I half expect to see him everywhere.
when will I make sense again?
when will anything make sense?

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

12:22 p.m.

some ani.
"I have written so much about you, so much I thought I knew. Words like water used to flow. Now what can I possibly say to you? she is someone I don't even know. yeah, she is someone I don't even know." and later - "I know this shouldn't be important compared to you and I, but I can still hear my questions and I can still hear you.. I can still hear you lie. now vicariously I have her in me I want to peel off my skin, let the water wash in."

and I don't want to think any more about you. I don't want to talk about you. I spent yesterday walking around baltimore, randomly talking of you. I can't do that for long, it will hurt me too much. I don't think you're thinking of me this way and I don't think you miss me much. you have better control over the way you show emotions - ways I can't even begin to understand. I want to know that you're thinking of me and I want to know that you miss me, but maybe it's better if I don't. I can't tell. I can't figure it out. would it ease my mind or just fuel the fire?
What do I want again?

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

12:39 a.m.

oh, a change of heart within a paragraph.
I feel bad, I feel worse, I feel terrible, I need something. What do I need? What can I do? Where am I going? What do I want?
I want to be away, I want to be alone, I want to figure this out. The passion and the drama and all that stupid shit just went straight to my head and I need time to sort it out. I need to not think of his eyes anymore. I need to not imagine his mouth.
I need to sleep sixteen hours without dreams and wake up a new person.
I don't know I don't know I don't know.
I need that elation again - the feeling that this is what I need to do. This is the right thing. If it is, why does the right thing feel so bad? Why am I neglecting someone that loves me more than anything else, for someone that essentially treats me like shit?
Why the fuck am I longing for a guy who couldn't even figure out that Tuesday wasn't just a "day," it was our day?
This is stupid. I don't want to think about Gettysburg or red hair or freckles or long thin fingers or anything about him.
I want to eat mashed potatoes. And I want to do the right thing.
I need to hold onto something that wants to be held. I need to stop being so blind and fickle.
Fuck you, Tom. You fucked up. You never let yourself learn from your mistakes. You never said you were sorry when it counted. You never even fucking tried.
Call me when you figure shit out and we can talk. Until then, though, if you're not going to be begging for forgiveness, I don't want to hear it.
I'm in fucking charge here.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

09:41 a.m.

I didn't manage to see the sun rise, but I heard the birds chirping not long after chris dragged me off to bed. I had been watching Jesus christ superstar with tears streaming down my face. chris tried to touch me, but I couldn't bear it. eventually I had a small panic attack, then another larger one. I fucking hate panic attacks, but sometimes it almost feels good to give into something you have no control over. so I let the fear consume me for a little bit. luckily I didn't have a full-fledged one- those are the scariest. regardless, it's been at least two years since I last had a panic attack. I must admit, I haven't missed it.
it feels like I have a hangover, which makes sense, since I felt like I was drunk before I went to bed. my stomach feels nasty, my eyes are gooey, and there was this weird throbbing on one side of my head.
I kept having all these images in my head last night as I lay in bed. thinking about him. that's what triggered the panic attack.
then I dreamt about him. just like I knew I would. and no, I don't want to talk about it.
I want to talk to him. I kept thinking about him holding me and then thinking about him choosing not to be with me, and the conflict just fucked with my head. so many images. so much shit.
I don't want to think about it anymore, but I know it's all I'll do. that, too, will fuck me up. imagine that.
the next few days are going to suck.
god I miss him.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

04:40 a.m.

what sucks?
the most upsetting thing about this incident is that I probably won't hear from him unless I contact him first.
I don't know if I can deal with that.
I guess I haven't given myself any other choice, though.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

04:43 a.m.

faulty dreams.
I feel dizzy and drunk from walking around york for two and a half hours with my housemate. we talked about the military and spooky buildings and the tricks light plays on your eyes as you walk past shadows. we saw inexplicable spirals and doors leading to nowhere and passages to nothing. it's always surreal, walking with him. we were guided by a force neither of us could adequately describe, but which we equally felt.
and I talked about you, and I realized how guilty I feel. guilty for my anger and annoyance, because you really just don't understand. none of the shitty things you did to me were intentional - they just were. it makes it worse than if it had all been premeditated. I wanted to be the girl for you, but I just care too much, I guess.
I'm tired to the point of wakefulness. the last time I stayed up this late was probably because of you. I'm thinking of staying up to see the sun rise. I'm thinking of doing nothing tomorrow. I may go to Baltimore. I might do the things I wanted to do with you, but alone. or with my housemate.
I wanted to spend the day with you. I wanted to hold your hand and show you the fountain I played in when a boy I once liked took a picture of me that ended up overexposed - like our relationship. the sun was too bright and I was too sparkling with the water in my face and the pavement so wet. I wanted to remember that forever, but now all I have is my faulty brain. I wanted you to see the places I'd walked before and the sculptures I liked and the paintings I didn't. I wanted to go the air and space museum so we could walk through the lame displays together and make fun of the tourists (even though we would be just as bad as them). then, later, I wanted to take you to my room and kiss you until everything made sense. kiss you and kiss you and show you things we'd only ever talked about before.
I guess the problem with love is that it relies on two people to work smoothly. relationships require compromise and communication, and understanding. respect.
I'm sorry too. I see your sadness now as some strange martyr. maybe I have things confused. I'm tired and dizzy and feeling lost.
sleep deprivation. I hope this clears my head.
things all look different now. I wish you were here with me. I want things to stop sucking. I want the grass to be green and the air to be warm and you to be laying beside me with my head on your stomach and you stroking my hair.
I want your voice and I want it to be real.
where did things go wrong?

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

01:17 a.m.

I don't want this to be the end.
I don't want to be so bitter.
I don't want to want you to hurt.
I just want to feel good again.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

12:33 a.m.

my last -
I want someone to use him like he used me. I want him to love someone that never shows their appreciation. I want him to torture himself with thoughts of a person that was never how they said they wanted to be. someone who says they care but rarely shows it. someone who just seemed to give up. someone who claims they want stability, but shows their instability in every available moment. I hope he ends up with someone that would rather hang out with their ex than spend a beautiful day walking around a cool city with him (and a wonderful night making out and having sex). I hope he dates someone who has no clue that when he takes off an extra day from work a week, it's to hang out specifically with them, not just so he can twiddle his fucking thumbs. I hope he loves someone that never fully lets him know how they feel about him. I hope he spends days thinking about someone that never even mentions his name to their friends. I hope he wastes hours planning a dream that will never come to fruition. I hope he hurts.
oh god, I want him to hurt and I want to know that he is hurting. it just wouldn't be fair otherwise.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

12:00 a.m.

those damned eyes.
pain in my head from exhaustion and anger. throat sore from singing too loudly in the car - trying to drown out my feelings; or replace them with someone else's. this time I made myself elated instead of sad. I didn't feel like dealing with that tonight. probably will tomorrow, depending on what I do.
what I do.

what he didn't do:
he didn't explain himself. he didn't follow me to my car. he didn't try to stop me. he didn't say he loved me. he didn't try to touch me. he didn't say he wanted me to stay. he didn't ask me for a last kiss. he didn't ask how he could redeem himself. he didn't show remorse. he didn't cry.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

11:10 a.m.

most things we want may never happen.
I want him to spoon his warm body around my cold one and put his arms around me, then rest his face next to mine and whisper sweetness in my ear. I want his voice to soothe me into sleep and his body to comfort me until all pain fades.
I want him to push me against a wall and press himself against me, holding my hands down so I can't struggle. I want his tongue in my mouth, then his teeth on my neck. I want to be dominated and told what to do.
I want his love and his pain, his joy and his failure, I want him to pay attention and not forget. I want to know what he's thinking and understand what he's feeling.
I want to make him cry.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

12:10 p.m.

more pointless lamentation.
it seems all I can do now is write, and prepare myself for the inevitability of failure. there's more here than I first imagined. I'd forgotten what dependency felt like and I'd forgotten how good it could taste.
I do what I can to erase the memory of his arms and hands, the way he moves and walks, how he feels pressed against me, the way his mouth tastes, his lips, his neck, and I will most importantly do whatever I can to forget his eyes.
because I know this is over, no matter how I try to cling. he knows too, but can we pretend we don't? can we be actors again, being people we are not? can we fill those roles left empty by the truth?
what way is there to start again?
will he keep the things I gave him, veganism, hope? or will he decide apathy is better than any dream he could ever achieve? all this wondering isn't fair and isn't fun and this was never what I wanted.
I would have done so much for you. why did you pick the one thing I couldn't change?

Monday, June 16, 2003

12:26 a.m.

rebirth
there's a newness to things directly after a fight. feelings are out in the open, emotions raw and exposed. I could coast forever on this. if I could only capture the moment and preserve it for all time ..
then I would be bored.
could I have a little less excitement? could I have back what I thought I had? if only there were some place to go, so it didn't feel like he was always "sharing" me. if only I could give him what he wants.
but I can't. there is no if, there is no maybe, there is only what I am. if I were to try to please him, there would only be more demands. I couldn't give him monogamy, even if I weren't already dating someone. I've tried before and failed. there is nothing in it for me.
so why am I so stressed? why do I keep thinking about this, about how to keep him, about what to do? there is no answer. why do I like him so much that I am torturing myself?
what is going on?
I don't know, I don't know. I just hope it all resolves itself soon.

Monday, June 16, 2003

01:42 a.m.

I don't ever want to feel this way again.
it isn't fair that he wasn't here to see me breaking. he wasn't here to hear me and he wasn't here to watch my face cracking. crumbling.
and if I never see him again, may he never see me again.
but that isn't what I want. this isn't what I want.
there is a very strong possibility that I won't be going to work today. I can't imagine wanting to do five hours of bullshit just so I can feel like this, but behind a mask.
I've always hated lies and half truths.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

12:48 a.m.

I thought about the first time we kissed and how looking at you used to make my heart stop. the way I couldn't stop looking, so much that it hurt. there were things, new things, conglomerations that I'd never found in one person before.
and I don't know why you left me, but I don't think it's because you couldn't share. I think it was more like you didn't like the way you were starting to view your life and yourself. the shame you may have started feeling. all the things you'd never really talk to me about. the way you couldn't pick up on all the little things that it took chris two years to learn.
it isn't hard to read me, and I don't have much trouble reading other people. I questioned your values and your family and everything about you and I guess you didn't like the answers you started getting.
I hope this isn't really about me.
I hope you come to your senses.
I don't wanna be the girl you stupidly let away because you were too proud to let yourself be you.

Sunday, June 15, 2003

11:58 p.m.

passive-aggressive bullshit, probably.
so where do I stand now that I've almost been lost? I dropped from the top of a building, resigned to the thought of death, only to be caught at the last second by an awning. crashed through unceremoniously, saved but bruised. just barely with the upper hand.
all my previous composure feels stretched now. I'm acting a part whose character I can't quite recall. how am I supposed to feel now? what's my motivation?
all this for the boy I thought would lead to a new outburst of poetry. no prose ever makes it past my eyes. nothing passes through to finger tips. I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. this hardly saddens me. I may even be relieved. as for him, though ..
the things I say barely seem to sink in. we're touching reflections of each other instead of turning around and seeing the real things. I wish I could drop this facade.
I never can though. eventually it will consume me.
this isn't who I meant to be.
I'm so fucking sorry.

Friday, June 13, 2003

06:51 p.m.

the worst part.
it's possible I don't feel anything and am in fact relieved that this has happened.
it's possible that I don't care.
it's possible that I am just telling myself these things so I don't break down and start crying again.
and he never even said goodbye.

I'll go to the college and read and write and maybe see what I can figure out about all this.
I'm guessing nothing.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

06:06 p.m.

apathy.
it has taken only half an hour for me to realize that suddenly my social calendar is as wide as it's been since I moved here. no more peace vigils, no more second boyfriend.

no more second boyfriend.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

07:28 p.m.

in my steamer trunk.
there are always things I want to say that I don't. I can't. I am unable to coagulate the feelings into a form that can be easily expressed. once, art might have sufficed. now nothing does.
dreams that I hide from everyone, dreams that I won't repeat to anyone, dreams that I refuse to acknowledge. this combines with all the words I am completely unable to say. all in my mind, all in my head, all unexpressable and repressed.
I don't want to lose this feeling, this anger, this frustration. I'm frightened that if I don't have it, I won't have anything.
but.
I don't want to explain myself. there are things he should understand, things that he doesn't. things he keeps himself from noticing. I'm starting to believe that he doesn't learn from his mistakes.
that's a dangerous thing, when in a relationship.
and he should know by now that all I want is for him to call. I want to be wanted.
sometimes that just isn't expressed in the way I want. something other than physically.
something that requires thought.
something other than today.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

11:32 a.m.

contradictory me.
there are things I wouldn't believe in, things I proved myself to be wrong, things that I'm starting to question again. what is it to feel that there is a "one" for you? what is it to have some destined piece of you sheltered off in another person? how do you know when you are united? what is it to be made whole by another person?
all these scream dependency to me, from which I have fought so hard to distance myself. so what do you do when all the things you've taught yourself suddenly get .. skewed?
I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out.

Monday, May 12, 2003

11:09 p.m.

more scarring, too.
there are things he says to me that I don't know how to react to. I was a different person once, someone who could take a compliment. now it feels like I'm pushing myself down all the time and I can't figure out why.
what joy is there in misery? what truth can be discovered in pain? these things take us only so far, then we must surrender to something less controlled. something more painful and miserable than those words describe.
love- which encompasses every emotion.
love- which brings us buoyancy and heaviness.
love- which creates and destroys.
there are a lot of things I want to say that I don't have the words to describe. a lot of things I feel that he may never know about.
I have a secret but I can't tell because I'm scared of how the people I love will react. the longer it goes without being told, the larger it grows in my mind. so goes the shame. so I go too.
so we all go, spiralling down like water through a drain. I don't mind much, though. there are worse things I've done to myself.
at least I still believe in love.

Saturday, May 10, 2003

12:12 a.m.

no time
there was something I wanted to say but it got lost in all the bullshit in my brain. but I think I'm getting tired of love and I know I'm tired of dreaming. there are times when I look in their eyes and think "what's the point?"
naming conotes ownership. I do not own. I do not want to own. I control without meaning to, and sometimes I hate myself because of it.
I need some time away, but I don't know where to go or how to get there. just a month to myself.
maybe two.
I remember what it was like being alone, and I miss it so fucking much.

Saturday, April 26, 2003

11:44 p.m.

ignoring my own advice again.
I fear it will all end badly, with broken bones and bloodied faces. I fear I will lose him so completely there will never be a chance to look back.
I fear he will be eradicated so completely from my life that I won't even remember his name.
this cannot be.
this will not be.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

11:40 p.m.

newness revised.
too bad about the rushing - now that we have time, I just want to sit back and wait for it all to catch up. I said this would happen, I said not to worry. so many things I've said. too bad I'm so bad at following my own instruction.
today I felt your hands on me everytime another person touched me.
today I felt your lips as my boyfriend kissed me.
today I had to reign myself back into the present, into the now, so I wouldn't be too nostalgic.
I must love the one I love, love being with him, or else I'll lose myself to something I can't afford - something I do not want.
yeah, the sappiness will come. I refuse to indulge the obsession.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

09:55 a.m.

what dreams may show.
last night I dreamt that chris and I went to delaware. on the way there we stopped at a gas station to get miscellaneous stuff and were slightly accosted by the clerk and a police officer. I can't remember why.
when we got to delaware, we passed a park and I saw Al (from my highschool) on a playground with some people. chris and I kept driving, then got to some sort of apartment thing where we would be attending a conference. apparently this conference was for high school graduated and smart high schoolers. while there I saw mel, an old friend, and some other people. al came into our room and talked to us. everyone went to go to a meeting, which it turns out was just an orgy. I didn't go because I'd realized I'd forgotten my deodarant, so I was searching through chris's bag for some. this took hours. he called me and sounded very evil so I asked him what he'd done. I asked if he'd kissed anyone (in my dream I was quite jealous) and he said he hadn't, but that he'd done a strip dance on a table. he was very drunk. I was angry.
by the time I found the deodarant, everyone was home. I talked to mel some and asked why I'd never gotten to go to any of these while I was in high school and she said it was because I wasn't smart enough.
the next day, everyone prepared to go to another meeting/orgy, but I realized most of my clothes were missing. again I wasn't able to go. while I was in the room, searching for clothes, another of the teams showed up (for some reason we were arranged in teams for sharing apartments and whatnot) and started moving stuff around. then they made fun of me for not being at the meeting and not knowing where the meeting (or anything was). I cried. chris called. I got angry again.
It wasn't a very good dream.
I don't think that's how I would have been in real life.

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

10:57 a.m.

a thought.
I think back to see how many times I let you in. how many times did I search for something i couldn't have? how many times did I chase my tail before I caught it?
melancholy can be turned on and off at will now. this is a skill that's taken years to perfect. my memory wills it.

Sunday, April 6, 2003

10:49 a.m.

and the world continues its nightly vigil..
sleep fantastic and dreams so weird. try to deny them but don't ever forget.
a boy you loved who just won't leave your head, no matter how many years you go without talking.
the time away increases exponentially with the older you get, in mind, in body, in human calculation.
and this is where I went, this is what I made, when I had no where else to go. no where else to write where I could hide but still be found.
but not found.
who cares who knows now? everything I say here I end up sharing.
everything ends up in the open.

Sunday, April 6, 2003

10:49 a.m.

rehashing the old news.
all this shit I wrote. not here, but elsewhere. how I tried to hide but left myself wide open, always for drama. always for "love."
but what did I know? what did I learn? am I stronger for having hurt myself? I may be, I may not be, I must think I am. I am more than I was, not much less, and ready to do what I couldn't before.
I will not make the same mistakes. I cannot. It would be madness.
I left that behind years ago.

Tuesday, April 1, 2003

10:18 p.m.

oh these thoughtful days.
it's spring again and with spring comes a libido rush.
these year I swear has been different. it's been more intense and more non-judgemental. last year it was all about the girls, this year it's all about the boys. strange how that works.
so I met a boy. I met him and dragged him home with me and all we've done so far is kiss, but I feel strangely satisfied.
I am not obsessed like I have been with others. I am not frantic.
I am merely content.

Saturday, March 29, 2003

04:02 a.m.

lost chapters.
I wonder where you went.
how many people could this refer to? how many others have I searched for, saying, "where? why? how?" all I can say is that it seems like ages since I've heard from you.
and I miss you.
a crush isn't much when it's never specified. nothing but fantasies never to be noticed. never to be realized. this is a sterile thing, what I feel. it can never come to fruition.
this person will never know how I feel about them.
I will never ever tell them.

Friday, March 14, 2003