Tuesday, January 6, 2009

phoenix. forgotten. rise from the ashes. don't forget to set them all ablaze. don't forget to take them all with you in your rebirth.

03:50 p.m.

Monday, January 5, 2009

dear Robbie,
I stopped writing to you in my real journal on the 31st, or maybe the 30th. But here we are on Jan 5 and I have started crying again. It's been a month since you left me. Today was a bad day emotionally.
It was another one of those days where I want to share everything with you. I haven't had one of those in about a week. Felt like longer. But when these moods hit me, all I want to do is be in your arms. I told Ariel that it feels like my entire life was taken away from me. Today I miss you like I missed you when I was in RI. Maybe because I have a return date now. Maybe because I keep realizing how lucky I'd been to have you.
And I said, I said, "I've been with a lot of people so I know how special robbie is. I don't think I was as special to him as he was to me." I don't know if that's true. Somehow you could set me aside, like a piece of kitsch that's cute but not useful. A little difficult to part with, but after a while you barely even remember it was there. I said, "I'm so sentimental." "what is sentimental?" "fond memories. sadness." Who knows?
I am so sentimental.
There's a hole, there's a hole I can't fit anything in anymore. I smother. I cry. I hold my bent legs and rock, with a hood over my head and snot on my sleeve. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Through it all you are silent; a ghost. You are a memory that is a fading dream. You are not here. You are not anywhere. I don't want to return to the cold, the snow, the winter, the truth. Reality is infringing on my healing and I've been set back by bounds and leaps. Yes, two steps forward. No one said there'd be a whole flight back.
Tell me how you are. Tell me what you're doing. Tell me you still love me. Tell me I still matter. I feel irrelevant. I know that the relationship meant something to you. I have to believe that or risk a complete and total break down. I have to believe that you did love me, that I did matter, that you hurt without me too. I have to believe you saw a future for us too, but it was a future derailed by the death of your brother. It was a possibility among many, and you pushed me off the tracks and now there's no turning back.
Oh Robbie. You are still my world. This is all melodramatic flowery shit, but there is truth in it. I dreamt I was pregnant and you wanted things to be all business, but in the end you left me anyway. I went to Border's today and found myself in the pregnancy section. "what to expect when you're expecting." Why was I there? Why would I do that to myself?
Self help, self psyche, self self self. What about you? Where are you? Who are you?
Me, I think I'm two people now and I'm curious to see how they turn out.
I don't want to go back to my empty room. I don't want to return to my life without you. Why don't you call? Why don't you write? Why don't you let me know you're not dead? This hurts so much more than it has to. Why can't you see that?
Leaving was never as hard as this. Being left behind, well ... it's exactly how it sounds.
I still love you. I still miss you. I am still angry. I still want to understand.
scuffy

11:20 p.m.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dear Robbie,
I have been on the farm in Florida for three+ days now. This is probably the best choice I could have made. I'm away from you, I'm away from the snow, and I'm being active and doing things with someone who cares about me. Also, she is willing to listen to me and we talk about the relationship stuff.
I have come to the conclusion that the way you are treating me is fucking awful. It's disrespectful, it's thoughtless, and it is not the actions of someone who loves me. It hurt that you came home from a weekend away and didn't even let me know you were back. We were still together at that time. Just because you'd made the decision to break up with me doesn't make it ok to treat me like that. You've been completely unwilling to talk to me. You handed me a letter. That's all. No, that is not enough. That is not a conversation. That is not caring. It is all completely against how you have presented yourself the entire time I've known you.
I think about you all the time. I can't help but feel that you don't think about me. You left me. You dumped me. It is not ok. The way you have been treating me is not ok. Maybe it's good you broke up with me because who knows when this side of you would have come out? I don't really trust you anymore. I did. And it felt wonderful. Then you left me.
I want to be strong, I want to be positive, but I feel like the way you broke up with me and the way you've been treating me is poisoning me.
I just wrote you an email which says all these things and then some.

01:09 p.m.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Dear Robbie,
I started to get angry at you last night. Honestly, it's a welcome change. I have trouble believing that you care about me considering how absent you have made yourself in my life and how coldly you act towards me. You broke my heart then left me to deal without even finding out if I was ok.
How is that love?
scuffy

08:34 a.m.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Dear Robbie,
Your mom called me today and we talked for a while. Right after you broke up with me, she was talking with AJ through someone and he told her to tell me to keep my heart open and that he has love for me. I am keeping my heart open. Part of why things haven't worked out with you and I is because I've been so closed. I see that now. I don't ever want to go back to that. I want to trust people and I think I have that capacity now. You helped me get there, but so did AJ's death.
Also, I think you view me as an unchanging entity. I have been changing the entire time we've been together. And I have had up some kind of facade for much of my life; trying to be tough, trying not to be hurt. I am dropping that now. It is opening up a different part of me. I want you to see that, but instead you are closing yourself off to me. You don't want to "lead me on" so you are cold. But Robbie, you aren't even letting yourself see who I am now. You've made an uniformed choice. I want to change with you, that's what partners do. I don't want you to change for me or me to change for you. I want us to change together.
Why are things over? Because you want a baby? You never talked to me about that. How could you know how I'd react? You've made assumptions about so many things without talking to me about it. Then you leave me and are surprised when I react badly. Yes, I still cry every day. Yes, I expect for that to continue for quite some time.
You have made this choice without having all the facts. That isn't fair to yourself, either. Open your mind, open your heart, and look at who I really am. You can't do that from a distance and you can't do that with coldness, and you can't do that through email or phone calls. Our relationship was very special, despite the fights. I think those fights are irrelevant now.
I would like for you to meet me in Boston on the 10th. We can eat Ethiopian and take a walk. I think it's imperative that we meet on neutral ground and we both have a truly open heart and a truly open mind. Clear away assumptions. Clear away stubborness. See things as they are, not as we perceive them. Both of us need to do that, and need to do it together. I have said some fucked up things to you in the past out of fear. I am not afraid anymore. Not in the way I was, at least. I am not afraid of commitment or adulthood or happiness. I hope you can see that in me and let yourself feel it.
I love you.
scuffy

05:54 p.m.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

felt that weightless feeling in my stomach, like I was dropped from somewhere high. you exist and I see the proof in front of me. but you don't answer.
it's christmas. merry fucking christmas. probably a good day to get toasted. but I won't, I'll just make origami and think about you.
I wanted to spend this day with you and your parents. I wanted to spend this life with you. now I gotta dig myself a new one. now i gotta stay up late and cry because I miss you. I miss you all the time, like if I say it enough it won't be true anymore.
but it still is. I get tired of repeating myself, but it's how I feel. and I gotta write how I feel.
I am raw. and old. I am shredded and can't heal. there's shrapnel stuck inside there from the grenade. you pulled the pin and ran. I was left to deal with the carnage. yeah, traded my heart for a hand grenade but you set it off. I couldn't even have that satisfaction. didn't get to break my own heart; had it broken for me.
I am bitter, and tired, and crampy, and sore. I want you to be with me now. I don't want to be alone. I can't make you see. I can't force you. that's one of the things I love and hate about you. your stubbornness, your commitment, whatever you want to call it. i just wish you'd bend on this. wouldn't be the same, I know. there's things that have to happen first.
but what if you never look at me again the way you used to? i felt the walls you had put up. I saw myself, my old self, in your face. I know that coldness. I know you're making yourself feel it. I wish you wouldn't.
I don't know how else to say this. I love you. I don't need to be with you all the time. things don't have to be the way they'd been. we are changing all the time.

01:33 a.m.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Robbie,
Went to a little dinner party at Jerrod's friend's house tonight. It was pretty nice, low key, geeky talking, video games. Oh god, I miss you so much. I felt fine for most of the day until towards the end of the night. Someone said something about grandkids and I started thinking about you. Every time anyone mentions children in any way, I think about you. I told Jerrod that I wanted to get a cat now that I'm single because I need to love something. It sounds desperate, but it's true.
I'm not sure what this trip is going to do for me. Am I still going to cry every day? I just can't believe you've left me. I also can't believe that you are completely not conflicted by it. I cry every single day. It's been almost three weeks that I've been crying every day. How do I process this? What the fuck am I supposed to do?
The lines are blurred between my relationships with you and Christopher. They have both been completely life changing. The difference is that I left Chris, and you left me. I guess I feel like it's karmic.
To get over one I must get over the other.
This is hard, switching from one extreme to the other.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
love,
scuffy

11:55 p.m.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Robbie,
Packing to go to my brother's. Trying to decide what to take with me on my trip to FL and NC. I looked through my planner and found the photobooth pictures you gave to me; the ones where you had long hair and a goatee. You looked so sad. Then I realized that's probably how you look now, too, and I started crying.
We weren't always happy together. You said that from this summer on you felt like you were lying to me. You seemed happy with me, around me. I remember thinking how strange those pictures looked. I just couldn't imagine you being unhappy. You are now, though.
When you talked to me last night you said that you hadn't been much fun lately. It hurts to hear it. I guess this death is making you grow up and that is hard for me to hear. Part of me had wanted that, but another part of me always cherished your youthfulness. My 10 year old in a 30 year old's body. Robbie. This is making me old, too.
I wish you could see our parallels. We are both growing. Why do I fight for you? Why do I want you back? You are still surprised by how non-mutual this break up is. I am still surprised that it's happened.
I don't want to be angry at anyone anymore. I don't want to grieve because I want to have accepted all the people that have removed themselves from my life. I can understand now why people get addicted. It does make you live in the now. All that matters is that numbness and feeling only what is happening in that moment. I don't want the short cut. I want the hard path. I want to do it right.
You said you missed the things we did together when we were friends. I'm not sure what you mean. We have been together since that first night; there hasn't been just friends for us. It has always been more than that.
I love you I love you I love you. I am glad I'm leaving now. If I had to stay in this town for another day I think I would check myself into a mental hospital. I think I would go crazy.
I miss you so much.
love,
scuffy

03:47 p.m.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Robbie,
Called you today and you answered. We talked a little. I didn't think I'd cry but I did a lot. You say you're not confused at all about our relationship being over. I keep clinging feverishly to it, going from acceptance to denial. Every day I run the gamut of the stages of grief; at least the ones involving anger, acceptance, disbelief, and bargaining. Not in that order though. And never to the point where I get to move on. It's only been two weeks.
Two weeks and the thought of being with anyone other than you makes my skin crawl. Time for a new year's resolution: Robbie or bust. The year 2009 is you or nothin'.
Actually, I think the year 2009 is going to be about getting my emotional shit in gear. Be at peace with you, and Christopher, and all that business. Figure out my feelings regarding AJ and his death. Find out who my friends are and make sure I really keep them. Find emotional intimacy without physical intimacy. I think that will have to be covered in therapy too.
I told Jeanne I'd like to start going to therapy twice a week when I get back from my travels. I guess AJ has changed everything, hasn't he? You broke up with me and have been evaluating your life. I'm trying to become the person that would have kept you; the person I want to be. I want to get rid of these shadows that have been covering me. You inspire me. I believe in you. I trust you. I guess that's why it's been so hard, not hearing from you. It just seems out of character.
I hope you change your mind about our relationship. I hope I find some firm footing. I know this trip will be good for me. Two weeks+ away from Providence will clear my mind a little, give me a different perspective.
I love you so so much. I know we need this break, and you want it to be permanent, but it still hurts all the time.
scuffy

12:27 a.m.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Robbie,
I am listening to Pandora radio and belle and sebastian just started playing. It made me think of you because I remember you saying you liked them.
I wish we'd grown up together. I would have loved to see you when you were young. I want to crawl in your skin and feel your life. I want you to feel better.
I miss you.
love,
scuffy

05:05 p.m.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Robbie,
When I was talking to Jeanne today I mentioned that I thought maybe with all the other grieving you're dealing with, you probably aren't really thinking about stuff with me. I think you're probably focusing more on stuff with AJ and work. I'm just guessing. I don't think I've even really nudged into the picture. I feel like if you were dealing with those feelings then I'd be hearing more from you.
Today is the first day I've felt good in a week and a half. I also am beginning to see things about us that weren't good, instead of having that tinted view of "I just lost you, you were perfect." You weren't perfect. Neither was I! We are not perfect people and my goal is to accept that in myself and others. I think I'm capable of it. I've seen myself grow so much since we met. I'm a better person for having met you and been close to you. I hope we can be close again someday. Right now, in this moment, I understand that it probably won't be romantic again. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but that's how I feel now. I know that I feel a little empty and lost without you. I'd hoped to spend a lot of my winter break with you. But, you know, "life is short in spite of our plans." Plans don't mean shit if they're not working.
People talk about "meant to be." I don't believe in "meant to be," but I do believe in karmic connection. And if it's right for us and most beneficial for us, then we will be together. If it isn't then we won't. I am open to either option.
I love you Robbie. I do think I will always love you. You have touched me in a way no one else has and taught me more than anyone, ever. We still have a lot to learn from each other, I think. I hope we get the option to explore that.
scuffy

04:23 p.m.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Robbie,
In the latest issue of Wired there is an origami pattern for the Millenium Falcon. I immediately thought of you.
I am finalizing plans to get to Florida. It has been a lot of up-in-the-air stuff with waiting for responses from people online, talking to my family, trying to figure out if I should just take the bus ... looks like I'll be able to get a ride all the way down, though. Not quite to where I need to be, but close enough. I think you'd be proud of me. I've barely been anxious lately. I can make phone calls and do things, as long as I can get out of bed.
I want to go to the seated meditation tonight with your parents. I think I will go even if they aren't there.
I need to figure out how I'm going to pack my stuff succinctly. I need to do laundry. I need I need I need. Quarters. I miss you.
Speaking of which, I'm going to see about that. Judie and Tink have been a little flaky lately. What can I do? And I know you've been online but you haven't responded to my email about the car insurance. I want to get that figured out as soon as possible. I'm going to write to you again, just about that. I even called you and left a message.
I'm sorry things have turned out this way. It really wasn't what I was expected, and I'm sure it wasn't what you expected either.
Miss you. Love you. Thinking about you.
scuffy

11:44 a.m.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dear Robbie,
I've called you three times in two days but to no avail. I called to say that the snow makes me miss you even more than I already do, and that's saying something. I called to figure out when you're going to switch your insurance over so I can stop paying it. I called because I miss the sound of your voice so I like to hear your answering machine message. It's been two weeks since you left me. But I guess you'd left me long before that, right?
Today I walked Jess to work. We left the house at 2:30. I had some tea there, at Pastiche, then I walked downtown. I wasn't sure where to go. I wanted to find a cafe and write or draw or fold origami. I thought, "I'll go to starbucks. They don't give a fuck if people just sit there for hours." Then I came up with a much better idea: Border's!
So I went to Border's and did something I have never done before. I went to the self-help section. I need to get through this grieving. It's going to take so long to get over this. And then I have to figure out how to get you back after I get over the break up. I was thinking about proposing marriage, but I think that would just make things worse at this point.
One of the books I was reading said that a separation can be very good for a relationship because it causes each person to figure out their own shit. My paraphrasing, of course. I don't want to squelch the glimmer of hope that we'll be back together some day. Though other books said that for the person that does the breaking, usually in their head the relationship has been over for quite some time before they actually end it. I can see that, looking back. I could see it at the time too. That's why I kept asking you what was wrong and kept asking you to talk to me. I didn't think this would happen though.
So I got a stack of self-help books, weeded out the ones that weren't relevant or were kind of lame, and then stole the rest. Oh Border's! You are so easy!
I hung out with Sin then and we watched "Milk." It was so good. You would love it. It would make you cry; it made me cry. Sin too. Sin can be infuriating, we don't agree on everything, but she is there for me when I need her and that makes her a good friend. She also told me that she's seen me change a lot in the past year, and in the four years we've known each other. It's true. I have. It is nice to hear it, though. She is glad I am the way I am now. I used to be kind of crazy! Constant mood swings and whatnot .. I am getting stronger. I am being me.
But I still find myself tearing up, thinking about you. I say, "I miss him" and it hurts so much that I have to hide my face. I don't mind crying, but I don't want to do it in public. I talk about you all the time. I can't help it. You are the only person I've ever truly trusted and the only person I've ever been able to see myself with in the long-term and the only person that has ever managed to make me consider having children -- and realize that I could do it. Just not now. And I wouldn't want to just have kids because I want to have kids. I would want to have children so I could have a family with someone. Someone like you, who is sensitive and caring and creative and wants to instill that in their children.
You are so present in the things that you do. I noticed immediately when you weren't there anymore in the relationship but I tried to push that down. First I was the one not there, then it was you. Getting to the break up was a collaborative effort, but I really thought we were going to keep working out our problems until there weren't any left. Then we would settle down, move, live together, and have a beautiful marriage and have dogs and kitties and maybe chickens and children. I thought they'd be adopted, but hey, things change.
Sometimes I'm not sure if I mean that, but stranger things have happened. I could be happy with you. I could let myself just be. You are inspirational. I hope you're doing ok. I hurt when I think about AJ. I hurt when I think about you grieving. Oh Robbie.
I grieve for him too, and for the changes he has made to my perspective. I don't know how to deal with it, though. I don't know what these feelings are and I don't know where to put them. I need a release.
I'm going to be leaving for a couple weeks. I'm going to north carolina and florida. I am going to write to you in my journal, like I've been doing. I am going to think a lot about you. I'd like to see you when I get back. I'd like to talk.
It's been a week since I last heard from you. I know you're around. What is it that makes you not communicate with me? Sometimes I think it's because you don't really want us to be apart but you feel like it's something you have to do. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's it. It's ok to feel that way. It's ok for me to feel how I feel, too.
I keep skipping the anger part of grief. I've been angry at AJ and I can't get past that. But I can't get angry at you, just at the situation.
You have been so special to me. I want to live in the now, but it's hard. I think that is a way to not deal with past emotions. That's what it would be for me, anyway. It's important to grieve and to pass through those stages. I hope you are doing that. I hope your friends are holding you. I hope you save a place for me.
I realized today that I am not over Christopher. I am going to work on that. I want to clear out my system. I need to find a partner that's gonna be with me forever. You've helped me realize that. I'm 27 and I am ready to find my true partner in crime. I thought that was you, and I hope it someday is again. I hope you listen to me when we talk. I hope I listen to you. I hope we both keep an open mind. I hope we take as much time as it takes. I hope you aren't messing around with anyone. I'm not. I can't even think about it; I get nauseous.
Well, I love you. I hope you're doing well.
scuffy

12:46 a.m.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Dear Robbie,
Things have been really bad lately. I'm still crying everyday, usually several times a day. It just hits me. Whenever I am alone, I am probably going to cry at some point.
I feel utterly left behind by you. "We had some good times," you said. We had more than that. We had a life. We were going to have a life. And you changed without letting me in on the secret. It feels like you thought I couldn't handle it.
I don't want to be angry or bitter. I don't want to run around so much that I don't feel. But I can't just sit, thinking about you and what I've lost. The will to do anything else is gone, though. The first couple days after you left me, people were crawling out of the woodwork. That initial shock for them has died down, and with it so has my support. So no, I am not doing well. But you don't know that. And I am bitter.
I've not had the end of a relationship go like this before. Usually the person will still talk to me, will still communicate a little. I don't know where to go with all these feelings I'm having. I imagine you surrounded by people all the time. I am not. You live in a house. I live in my room. Noah's rarely here and we don't talk, Jess is rarely here because she works two jobs and has other friends. You live with a house full of caring people. I am glad for you, but don't assume that just because you have support and don't have to see my pain that I am ok and not suffering. I am suffering. I am hurt, constantly hurting. I don't know where to put it. I am not sure how to deal. I tell myself I"m not alone, but it feels like I am. You were my outlet for a year and I've forgotten how to be someone other than your partner.
I think we could work things out if you would let me in, if you would try. You've set your stubborn mind on an idea and it's so hard to get you off that track. Please close your eyes. Please learn who I am and learn who you are. Don't leave me behind. Don't make this mistake.
I am thinking about checking into a mental hospital if my insurance covers it. I need to be in a safe place. I am not worried about suicide, I just need that rock solid stability for a bit. If that doesn't happen then I still want to try to travel. I'll see.
Don't forget about me. Don't forget who you used to see in me. Don't forget that I feel, and I love, and I have a greater capacity for those things than I think you realize.
Love always,
scuffy

04:13 p.m.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Dear Robbie,
It snowed today. I am staying over at Jake's because I know that otherwise I would be alone in my apartment, sobbing. I can't stop thinking about the big snow last year when you, Ron, and Andrew all came over to my house. I felt so good, so special. I loved having you around. I still would, I think.
Everything has changed so much. I just can't get a grasp on it. I wish you'd talk to me, confide in me, be with me. My heart hurts thinking about who you are now; how I don't know who that is. You are my love. You were my future.
I feel like I'm at a standstill, just waiting for you. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes I'm accepting, sometimes I just don't understand. I am changing, though. I know I keep saying this, but I am less judgmental and i am allowing myself to feel sentimental at sappy parts in shows. I'm ceasing the tough guy act. I am being me. Please look at me, Robbie. Please talk to me. Please see me and not what you've grown used to. I want to see you too. I want to see you as you are. I want to help you heal as best you can. I know you will always hurt. I know that because of what people who have lost family members have told me. And I know you, or knew you.
I miss you so very much. I miss you in my life. A piece of me is missing. I love you.
scuffy

11:11 p.m.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Dear Robbie,
I miss you. So much. I've been looking on craigslist missed connection for sex just so I can feel some kind of pleasure. I don't know if I could actually do it. I think you wouldn't be happy with me and I know it's not what I really want. Maybe I'm just falling on old habits. I think I want to meet with you and determine that things are really over before I fuck around with anyone.
It is no decision. Between you and anyone else, I would always pick you.
I love you.
scuffy

08:32 a.m.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Dear Robbie,
crying again.
I saw an ad on craigslist about drug addiction prevention and I lost it.
then I started thinking about the beginning of our relationship and how you said you viewed me as a potential partner and you wanted to take me out on a date when I was ready. We named my birthday as that date, but we started so far before then.
And I can't stop thinking about these things and how they used to be. The things we said to each other, promises made and unspoken bonds. Our future, Robbie! How can you leave that behind?
I am getting angry now, passing like a shadow into that stage of grieving. Sometimes it touches me, whispers, and I say something painful that I don't mean. I mention you, then murmur, "asshole." But you're not. I want to hate you so it will make things easier. But I don't, and I can't. I just want you back.
I don't know what I'm doing. I feel empty. I feel like I'm waiting. I miss you. Stop running around, Robbie. Get help. Deal with this. Figure out your AJ stuff and come back to me when you can. We belong together. I am different now. I will continue to be different. I am becoming who I am instead of who I was.
Please believe me. I don't think you do. I think you think I'm just saying this stuff; I'm pretending. But I have a secret. All that time you were lying to me, I was lying longer to you. I am becoming myself now; stripping away the layers of former pain and anxiety and defense. I can be myself. And I want to be that with you.
I love you. always.
scuffy

01:02 a.m.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dear Robbie,
Still no word from you. I wanted to write last night but my internet connection was down.
Yesterday was really hard for me. I kept breaking down during the day. Cried in the bathroom at work, cried when I got home from work, cried when I was hanging out with your mom, cried when I was at Nick-a-nees watching The Superchief Trio, probably cried before I fell asleep. I don't know. It just kept happening.
Referred to you as my ex today and it feels so wrong. When I was talking to your mom last night I said that you didn't give me a chance to catch up to all your changes. You didn't talk to me about wanting to have children. You didn't talk to me about a lot of the changes you felt or the things you were lacking. You weren't fair to me. You weren't acting like a partner. You were acting like one of those people in a movie who the audience keeps whispering about, "Why doesn't he just talk to her? Why doesn't he tell her what's up?"
So why didn't you?
You know I'm not a static person. You know I can change. You know because you've seen it and you've seen me doing it. Maybe you can't handle a relationship right now. I would have preferred to hear the truth. I still don't think you've given it to me. I think you are someone else right now. I hope you figure out who Robbie is soon, instead of who AJ's brother is.
This is hard. This has been hard. I still hold in my heart the future we'd created with each other. It's going to be there until you show me otherwise. I feel like I'm just waiting for you to come home. I am home, Robbie, didn't you know?
You know what else this feels like? When you were living with Marian and you spent all your time at my place because you didn't want to deal with her. Now you don't want to deal with me. You are keeping yourself busy so you don't have to deal. You'll have to slow down at some point, Robbie. You can't do this forever.
And when you stop, or crash, or need me, I can be here. All you have to do is reach out.
love,
scuffy

11:00 a.m.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dear Robbie,
I'm at work right now, reading a book that is a compilation of queer people recalling when they were 13 (or seventh grade). It's called "Queer 13" and I think you would like it.
I feel like I'm going in reverse now. I reached the pinnacle of fineness and now I'm reverting to not understanding and wanting you back. Nothing helps. I still believe what I believe, but I ache for you. I'm listless. I miss you.
I've been eating, though. So that's a step up from last week. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you miss me. I wonder what you miss.
I miss the feeling of you being around. I miss everything. Things I didn't even realize I'd remembered. I liked the way you'd take off your pants. I liked the look of contentment on your face as you'd sit next to me. I liked your laugh. I can't remember the last time I heard you laugh or saw you smile.
I shouldn't be writing this at work. I am tearing up.
I love you. Always.
scuffy

11:23 a.m.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My dear Robbie,
I have decided to write you letters here since we can't talk right now. A friend I made at school came over tonight. She's the one I told you about; the one always asking me to get high with her. Yesterday I finally agreed as celebration about making it to the end of the semester. So we got high. I put on Storyteller and tried to get lost in it like I did with you that night I got high. I had my head in your lap and you stroked my hair. Even then I could feel your distance. I've known it for a while, only it got much worse after AJ died. So Katie and I were watching Storyteller and she just kept saying negative things about it. It made me sad because all I could do was compare this situation to that night I spent with you. And I don't think I can handle getting high with anyone other than you. It is definitely a spiritual thing for me. I felt so safe with you. You understood everything and never made fun of me. I feel so foolish now, looking back on our relationship; so many times I accused you of mocking me. Now I understand your behaviors. But it's too late. All I can hope to do is spend the rest of my life becoming the scuffy that could have kept you. The one you needed, not the one I was. And maybe it will happen before you find someone new because I think I could convince you to give me another shot.
There are some moments where I can actually agree that things are better this way. I can rationalize it and see reasons and realize how badly I controlled you. I have seen so much about myself this past week. I feel like a completely different person.
I started crying while katie and I were watching storyteller. I missed you so much. I am going to have to get high by myself for now on. I felt so comfortable with you. I understand so much more about you. I hate it when you mention the permanency of your decision. I can't imagine my life without you. WEll, right now I can't. I can when I'm sober. I can justify it all then and have this almost happiness, as long as I don't have to mention or hear your name. I actually am physically pained when someone says it.
I miss you but I can't tell you. I want you to do what's best for you but I know I will suffer without you. I was able to trust you and myself. Smoking pot was part of that. I saw another side to you. Why is it that when I look back now I can see your sadness but at the time I was blind to it.
I hope we are together in some alternate universe and I hope someday I'll wake up in that body. I truly believe that I can be what you need. I have had an upgrade in consciousness since you left me. I find myself missing your depth, your sweetness, your sensitivity. And I finally see the good version of hippie, the kind you tried telling me about. That is you. I miss your imagination so so much. I wish we'd made up stories together. I wish I hadn't taken you for granted. I could have tried harder, reached out. I want the summer back. I want last winter.
Oh god. Robbie. I thought I'd stopped crying, but I was wrong. I miss your intelligence, knowledge, and wisdom. Also your playfulness. There were so many more places I wanted to go with you. Adventures. I think about what you said, about me destroying your spontaneity. You're absolutely right. That was before I trusted you. I trust you now. But I've said all this before. A lot of my anxiety has gone away since you broke up with me, but I think that's because I'm able to dispel it now that I realize who you need. Someone who is self-sufficient. Dependent. And that was not me.
I can do this, Robbie.
This wasn't how I meant to write this letter. I just wanted to say how important you are to me and have been. How amazing you are. I miss everything about you, even the stuff that annoyed me. I am pretty sure I could deal with anything if it meant we would be together.
I'd still be strong. I guess what I mean is that I now really understand compromise. You compromised yourself for me.
I think we can truly figure this out. Since you said you want kids, I've been seriously considering it. And I think that is also why I've been more temperate this past week. I'm trying to figure out if I could do it. I am confident that I would be able to and want to. I think the problem is that I'd never been with anyone that made me want to reproduce. If the would had more people like you, I think things would be better. I want to do that. Just not now. Preferably after college.
I wish we could talk about this now. I am learning to think about what I say. I am trusting my instinct more fully then ever before. I want a more spiritual relationship.
I'm sorry, I didn't want this to be this type of letter! You are my ideal mate. I want to be your ideal mate and I think it's possible. You've woken up in me things I thought I would never desire. Things I made myself not desire, out of fear.
You've stripped away my fear.
I love you, always,
scuffy

11:15 p.m.