03:45 p.m.

I don't know what else to say.
things just haven't been the same since I told you I never wanted to be in this relationship. you stopped smoking and replaced the cigarettes with tears. I've been avoiding you and the truth; that this can't last. you had a mind for the future but I just wanted some fun until you moved away. why'd you have to stay?
things haven't been the same since I began to agree that I don't love you as much as you love me. I'm not going to tell you that you're right. I can't admit that I've hurt you. I was the one that was supposed to get hurt. like in all the other stories I've told. you don't know why I can't surrender myself to you. I do.
but I can't tell you.
I've been romanticizing my ex, forgetting how crappy things could be between us. how I was rarely truly content. but things were simple for a while. he let me be who I wanted to be, with whomever I wanted to be.
I can't talk to you about it. I'm not happy. I can't tell you that. I don't want this. I never meant to hurt you. guess that's what I'm gonna keep doing though, right?
we're just gonna keep on hurting each other until opportunity rises. that's me. I'm so sorry.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

09:04 p.m.

I wonder what you hoped to accomplish when you told me that I don't love you as much as you love me.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

03:42 p.m.

oh, oh, oh
it still hurts.
it has been nearly a year since I moved out on my own. "on my own" meaning "away from my husband." lately I have been missing the relationship we used to have, something that will never be recaptured. there are times when I just can't imagine him out of my life, when it still feels like he's waiting for me somewhere. but I know that isn't true. he has moved on irrevocably. I know because I always find out what is hidden from me.
so my ex-husband is going to end up hooking up with my ex-best friend at some point. she will probably leave her boyfriend for my ex. this would not surprise me in the least, though it will hurt beyond all reckoning. maybe that's what I get for taking him for granted.
he used to care about me, even after things got all fucked up. we used to still watch movies together and hang out. I understand why he got rid of all his old journal entries -- too many memories of me. he purged me from himself. but in my life he still lingers on. it still hurts.
I miss him so much, so much more than I can remember missing him before. then I remember how he's been acting around me lately and all the love just freezes. it stops momentarily. and when I tell him I miss him, there is silence. he used to be the one I could never romanticize. now he's the only one I manage to do it to. why is life full of reversals? remember when he was the one who had to chase me five years ago? remember how, in a month tomorrow, this would have been our three year marriage anniversary? that meant something even when I swore it didn't. it changed things.
but that's all behind me now, right? that's all in the past. he has moved on irrevocably; far beyond me. my life continued seemingly unaltered. I don't think this is how things were supposed to be. I can't reconcile all my loves. sometimes I want to just give up and die. sometimes I feel so overwhelmed I can't figure out any solution that would satisfy. but it passes. it eventually passes. but I miss his presence. I miss him being in my life. and once the car is gone, he will be too.

drop, by the red house painters.

all the love in an instant
makes my life stop
but then my hate for you
makes my feelings altogether drop

I'd like to come home to see you
and embrace your illness under soft light
but then you'd know how much I really need you

so much that I can say to you
with affection that I burn inside
you're aching from the distance
avoiding strain that's running still alive
if only I could heal you in the sprinkling of the ocean side
but then you'd know how much I really love you

Saturday, August 12, 2006

01:25 p.m.

a letter not sent
dear you,
I'd tell you more about the dream I had, but you wouldn't want to know. just like I can't tell you about how much I miss my exboyfriend and my estranged husband. I miss them so fucking much. the more I'm with you, the more I realize how good I had it those four years. how good he was to me, in every way. how he remembered little things about me and did little things for me (like how we used to leave notes for each other, or he would make me dinner and bring it to work for me). he did more for me than anyone else ever has and I just got bored or annoyed and left it behind.
I can't tell you about these things because they would upset you. sometimes I'm not really sure why we're together. I feel like I just tough it out because we have a lease together. because I'm tired of giving up on people. because I really like dating a girl. and yeah, because I love you. you're the first girl that's ever loved me back.
there you go. you are special to me.
you have never been with anyone as long as I was with my ex. you have never loved the way I have. you have never been in non-monogamous relationships. you don't understand them. and yet, there are things about you I don't comprehend either; like not coming out to your parents. like loving them so much, but withholding this crucial information. it rips you apart. it tears at me too.
this is something you have to decide. telling them won't flip a magic switch that will make everything between you and I fine. not telling them will continue to wear on both of us. but telling them will change the nature of your relationship with them. there is no easy way through this. ask the legions of the queer people who have had to go through this before. we housed one of them not quite a week ago. you're not alone. every situation I encounter helps me understand your stance better, but it doesn't make it any easier.
are we ever going to stop fighting? it's taking its toll on us. there's a strained tension, a distance that wasn't there before. last night I found a necklace he'd made for me and I started crying but I didn't want to tell you about it. after I dried my eyes, I sat with you and you didn't mention the residual tears. if you had just asked, I would have told you. but you didn't. you rarely do.
we need to meet somewhere in the middle. we keep talking about it but never really do it. why is it so difficult? why can't we just make this work? my resolve is wearing thin. I am tired. I'm afraid that soon I will just give up and you will be my roommate and not my girlfriend. that would be more awkward than anything.
we need to fix this. I miss us.
love,
me

Saturday, July 29, 2006

02:28 p.m.

check it out, another ocean metaphor
today I feel everything with a vicious and painful intensity. I am being ripped apart by every emotion, no matter how subtle. I am trying not to hold back and as a result I fear I'll end up curled in a ball on the floor, sobbing.
there are the ups too, the rampant love for someone still near to me. it lifts me momentarily so I can see the sun above the waves, then I am pushed back under by other memories and feelings. I am drowning.
I am encased in this bubble of you. it's composed of tv shows and movies and comics and that quiet look you would get in your eyes when you would stare at me. I've never been able to find the right words for it. I've not been able to forget it.
I've been trying to undo all the hurt that's been done to me by a life of loving people too easily. it's slow going, especially because they were mostly the kind of people that don't love easily at all.
the pain fades. the storm clears. I am floating on the surface, still, hoping I don't sink again. waiting for a life boat. waiting to be pushed back ashore.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

03:15 p.m.

let's archive our lives
two months since. six months. fourteen months.
who's counting?
I am.
but now I think I'll just let it slide through my fingers, I'm done being pummeled by your memory. I cried this morning when I remembered how you used to wrap your body around me and the little moans you made as you did it.
you sparked something in me that no one else had, but I set a fire inside of you. I was so good at fanning the flames until you were consumed.
now you're reconstructing the ashes into who you used to be, but we both know something's missing. someone's missing.
this goes back so much further than my presence in your life. I wanted to do so much for you. I didn't want to sweep in and make a change and then leave you to deal with consequences. I wanted to know how you were, but now that I do, I think I want to just leave it behind.
I can't deal with this either. I miss you. I want you here. I've become so good at hiding it all inside. I don't want to be that way. I just want to let it all go.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

10:04 p.m.

just something I was thinking
the subject lines in his emails read like chapter titles for some choppy postmodern novel. mine to him read like paragraphs that have been disected and rearranged into an almost, but not quite, coherent mess.
his titles for my words. we would have made a great book.
I am tying up loose ends. making a bundle of knots. I am tired of holding everything inside. I want to undo what was done to me by life, by living, by everything. I want to be able to focus and breathe.
I am rereading my life and finding out what I knew all along. unrelated instances are connecting themselves. I am both caught up in it and causing it.
I don't need to control everything. I can just let it wash over me. I can be ok.
I am ok with cycles. they are natural. life works in spirals. it's all connected in the end, even though when you're living it, it doesn't feel like it. we are still connected. it doesn't feel right to delete his chapter titles; it does seem right to destroy my disjointed paragraphs.
our parts are not yet played out.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

01:02 p.m.

somehow, this reminds me vaguely of he and I
"hate me" by Blue October.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

Wednesday, July 5, 2006

03:53 p.m.

songs in the key of me
I am listening to the songs I used to obsess over, ones that I would play 10 times in a row. sometimes I would sit in the dark and cry to them, other times I would sit and stare at nothing as I silently mouthed the words, occasionally I got up and danced crazily until sweat beaded on my face and I was out of breath. but mostly they were sad songs used to dig heartache deeper; lyrics that spoke words I couldn't, imperfect in situation but ideal in meaning and intent.
some songs I have loved longer and harder than those closest to me. others are recent. some I discovered on my own, others were given to me. but all of them evoke strong emotions, and that's why I will keep a single song on repeat in my playlist for days.
the one playing now, nightswimming by REM, was introduced to me via mixtape by a friend who hasn't talked to me for three years despite my yearly "happy birthday" emails. I am scared to call because I don't want to be hung up on. I miss him so much sometimes.
the next one, breakthrough by Modest Mouse, I put on a mix for a boy I was half in love with. I don't think the emotions were ever returned but he fucked me better than anyone else. he was an enigma and I still harbor feelings I won't release. I'm fine with that. so is he.
and now, calling you by blue october. she and I used to lay in my bed and gaze at each other while singing it. before we could admit we were in love, when we were valentines. she left a comment that quoted it, then put it on a card for me. it still makes me smile. it still makes me so damn happy. I want to close with this one. I hope this song always means joy to me, I hope she's always nearby.
"I will keep calling you to see if you're sleeping are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me? I can't believe you actually picked me."

Sunday, July 2, 2006

05:09 p.m.

three lists, one picture

this is: