12:04 a.m.

crying at midnight
I know what I'm doing. I'm settling for less than I want.
not deserve, because that would imply something I'm not willing to acknowledge or believe. it's less than I want, what I'm getting.
today I thought about the bathroom we had in that one-bedroom across the river. I thought, "I would do anything to be back in that shithole with you, with that crappy bathroom with nothing around us. I'd give up all the experiences I've had to get that back." except that I know I wouldn't. not really.
I just miss you, still, after nearly two years. I miss your body and your silence and your gentle breathing. I miss your weird teeth and your smile and the way you used to let me do your hair. I miss your sunglasses. I hate myself so much right now, just in this instant. I hate myself for leaving you. if I'd really give anything to be back with you, then I'd leave my girlfriend and actually do whatever it took to get you back.
but that's not what I really want. I just want an easier life and someone that does everything the same way as me. except I don't really want that, either. if I did, I'd still be with you.
I feel so lost without you sometimes. and instead of telling you, I write it here. because I think that letting you know would only make your life harder and I don't want to do that. and maybe if I told you, I'd have to face all of this head-on instead of just writing it here where maybe no one will see it.
and maybe someone will see it.
I want to blame this all on anyone other than me. anyone. with honesty.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

12:49 a.m.

I miss you so much sometimes. It's my one year anniversary with her and instead I'm thinking about you. I miss knowing you. I miss you and I doing so many things the same way. she drives me nuts sometimes with her sloppiness and lack of logic. I miss being with someone who does stuff the same way I do it. I never realized how logic-driven I can be until I ceased to be around it.
at the same time I know that the person you were with me was never really you. that hurts too, especially when I see other men doing that for their weird women. they change to become someone they can never be, to make this person that will never be happy, happy. catch-22? more like catch-never.
and no matter how intelligent they are, they never see the situation for what it is. which is what I'm trying to do anyway.
I don't think I'll ever really be happy here either. that hurts. hurts as much as the memory of you does, because someday I'll be doing the same thing for her that I'm doing for you. yeah. I'll be missing her. I'll be wondering "what if."
I miss you so much.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

02:33 a.m.

ten minutes of free thought
when I think about you it hurts and I miss you I love you I wish we were still together all the time every day I miss your body and your face and your voice and the way you would rock me in your lap when I was sad and you would stroke my earlobes and rube my cartilage and tell me things were ok and sometimes we would cry togehter and soemtimes it would be just me crying and we would wrap ourselves in the blanket and watch meaningless or meaningful movies and you always had the perfect words and you were honest with me and you were the only person I could ever trust and then she came along and one weekend fucked it up but I know it started well before then with the lack of disclosure and the sleeping around and just because I told you about it doesn't mean it wasn't cheating because maybe I was always trying to figure out a way to escape but I wasn't willing to commit to anything because I needed you to fall back on because I was weak and couldn't live on my own or at least I felt that way until I met him and he gave me strength because you made me weak when you slept with her and didn't tell me all the facts like the possiblity of the STI until after the fact well after the fact and I am so glad I didn't fuck you when that happened because things would ahve been so much worse and already I hurt all the time but seeing you and you being nice just makes it worse which is weird because I thought it would be better if you stopped being a jerk and why are the only friends you have around here the ones that I made for you and why don't you acknowledge that and why would I want to be with you anyway when your personality is stolen from other people or is that just what i tell myself to make myself feel better because you don't want to steal my personality anymore not that I blame you because i'd rather have someone else's to steal lately I've just felt so boring and I miss you so much and I can't tell youb ecause that would be admitting fault and I'm always right or at least I wish I was and pretend I was and I guess that's always been a problem too not sure if you remember all those fights but I bet you do only they werne't fights they were just you giving in to me because it was easier than actually disagreeing or trying to prove me wrong instead you would just get really quite and make that face or be really still and I hated how lack of emotional you would get sometimes like you didn't want me to know and when we saw each other at the divorce hearing I asked how you were and you said fine and I said at least one of us is beacuse there is no way in hell I am fine and I wanted you to know just a little bit of the pain that I feel without you and the doubt and how I felt like i was lying when I told the judge we couldn't get back together again because Ithink we could if only things weren't the way they were but I guess that's life and maybe we could have worked things out and maybe these problems would not have occured but I guess I figure that if it hadn't been this then it would have been something eolse but maybe I say that to make myself feel better too and I wonder if you cry over me or miss me or think about your arms around me or how I used to cross my arms when you held me and how I called you topher and even after we split up we still called each other baby because we still loved each other even though I hurt so much I pulled a knife on you and you left but came because you wanted to make sure I wasn't going to hurt myself but I just kjept hurting and it never stopped I just got better at hiding it but I still can't imagine me without you even a year and a half later and jeanne said I'd have to make the first step but I'm in love with someone else and I would like to hurt as few people as possible even if that means not being with you and I am so fucking sorry for all of this.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

10:29 p.m.

divorce, hey, that's next week
you took night classes on how to woo me
but we both know a degree
is no guarantee
of success.

high marks in mind reading
you always tested well
though you flunked
on how to keep me.

but they say student's faults
are the result of the teacher
I never got your feedback
how can I improve?

Monday, January 1, 2007

08:48 p.m.

is it this obvious to anyone other than me?
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I have never stopped loving you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Friday, December 8, 2006

02:34 p.m.

things a la
sometimes when I am alone I lay on my back and sob at the ceiling because I miss you so much. I place a clothed arm on either side of my face to absorb the tears so I won't have to feel them roll down my skin and you
won't
leave
my
head
I wonder how you are and if you miss me and I can't imagine you think about me as much as I think about you because, unlike me, you've given yourself time to heal. but for me, it all just built up in the back of my head, ignored. like so many other things I have trouble facing. like all the ideas that seem so good at the time but end up being terrible. I can only justify it so far, thinking of all the things I would not have done if I'd stayed with you. but today is so melancholy I'd rather just remember how it was to be in your arms, how you used to pick me up and place me in your lap and murmur to me as you stroked my head and I would sob on your chest. sometimes we would lay together in bed and I would try to count your rib cage. I always took you for granted. always.
I've always been off chasing after what I don't have. even now, thinking about someone who is definitely gone from me while I should be concentrating on the person I'm with.
I just miss you so much sometimes. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone as much as I used to trust you. I know no one will ever know me the way you did. at least I had that, right? as fucked up as it got, at least I had that for a while.
comfort.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

10:07 p.m.

not precisely what I was going for
baby, don't worry, I still love ya.
don't you know you were everything once, even though now you're nothing.
but sweetie, honey, sugar, darling, you still light the rockets of my memory. watch 'em shoot into the sky and make diamonds out of stars.
don't worry, don't fret, everything is fantastic for some moment somewhere.
for an instant, everything is just fine.
and I coulda been someone. and we could've lasted forever. and in that second I'd never felt pain and you'd never stressed about anything.
so lover, joy, dreamer, baby don't worry. why should you? there's a place where nothing is wrong at all. and with that knowledge, shouldn't everything always be right everywhere?
and if not that, can't things just be alright here?

Saturday, November 4, 2006

04:06 p.m.

old topic, old reaction
I am:
watching you in reverse
(disappointed unsurprised hurt confused angry annoyed frustrated hopeless powerless)

and here I thought your months of therapy would have at least done some good, maybe taught you how to deal with something.

Friday, November 3, 2006

01:57 p.m.

four four four
the window rattles and I think about our old apartment across the river. I used to dream about being years down the road and looking back to our one room escape, still holding each other, laughing at the memories.
further back was the house outside of our hometowns. the three floors, our washer and dryer, the minority neighbourhood, the nearby discombobulated college. our roommate with his quirks and smarts and drive. you learned about aikido then. I learned about devotion through you.
what about before then? your parents house for eight months. me in the depths of depression. an inability to do anything but find solace in another's arms. everything was changed. everything was always changing for me, except for you. that was when my other lover got you the job that eventually brought you health insurance and my name next to your's on a marriage certificate.
I brought you aikido, rhode island, your current roommate, circus, and everything that comes from those. I think it took you not acknowledging all of that for me to realize how much I did for you just by existing.
you gave me so much support over four years. more than anyone else ever has. unconditional love and patience and gentleness. you were so good to me. so many times I regret leaving you but I know it's just fantasy. I forgot all the shit too. I forget the reasons I left, momentarily, but I can drag them back to surface if I feel myself sinking too deeply.
you were different than everyone else, for a time. you were perfect, briefly. I miss you almost every day. I know things are better apart. I know this is how it needs to be so we both can grow but that doesn't stop my chest from hurting. justification only goes so far.
someday when we both have our heads clear maybe we can talk again like people and not like scorned lovers. we were more than that. I severed a line of years that could have stretched indefinitely, but I can't see that those days would have been happy. I tell myself it's better this way. I think you agree.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

10:44 a.m.

no unit of measurement exists to explain the distance between you and I now that you've become who you've always been inside.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

05:22 p.m.

a playground metaphor
this seesaw can't last.
I love the ups, oh how I love being in the air with you, in your arms, your softness, your hands touching me in slow motion. but as soon as my ass whumps onto the ground, BAM! it's like all that bliss never happened.
when we're happy, I don't want anyone but you. I see people and feel this wall rise between them and my libido. it's great. but when I come home you'd rather watch TV than rip off my clothes. or you're kissing me and I'm falling asleep. how can we have such different sex drives? this has never happened so consistently to me before. can't we just get our acts together? can't we balance ourselves on tippy-toes, just right, so neither of us ever hits the ground?

Saturday, August 26, 2006