10:52 p.m.
I wonder if you've cried over me since you left.
you just sound so cold and emotionless. so different.
Monday, December 15, 2008
09:59 p.m.
watching tenth kingdom. the wolf and virginia woods scene. thinking about him.
remembering the night we fucked outside against a tree. then a picnic table. I miss the biting. I miss the animal.
but it's more than that. it's being that comfortable.
how can I find another wolf?
when will he feel like him again?
I miss him. I miss how he was when we were first together, before I slowly crumpled him. crushed him into something else.
I hope he finds someone that can be ok with all that he does and is. I hope I become a person like that and I hope I find someone who is what I need.
I want to talk to him. I miss his presence. I want to cuddle.
oh robbie.
Monday, December 15, 2008
06:13 a.m.
things I was told a year ago that I probably should have taken to heart
There are three keys to balance your character better and permit the most development. First, exert more control over your impulses; second, have more patience in dealing with others; and third, realize that you don't need to prove yourself repeatedly by rushing toward danger.
...
Saturn was found in the fifth house at the time of your birth. Circumstances may oblige you to appear humble and patient in connection with love affairs and as a response to obstacles that will come between you and the object of your love.
It is possible that unless you can exert good control of your temperament, the obstacles can create a response from you that is harsh and severe. You must view these matters in light of the spiritual cause and effect.
You should make an effort to become involved with the various human experiences of love so that your communicative power is increased. You must be sincere with yourself. Secretly you nourish the desire to be involved in human situations, but you apparently have lost the ability to relate to other people. A little more openness and confidence in your loved ones could be a good course to follow.
...
Neptune opposition the Ascendant shows that you are greatly influenced by the people with whom you associate.
Your opinions of the people you deal with are too idealistic, and you are hurt when they disappoint you.
When you volunteer to help people, you must protect yourself. Offer to help only when you know positively that someone needs your assistance. Being alone makes you feel helpless, so you seek out obligations to others.
Monday, December 15, 2008
10:09 p.m.
dial tone.
understanding one year too late.
different place, different time, different outcome.
I will miss you and miss you and miss you until I die.
dial tone.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
11:51 a.m.
K.I.S.S.
I miss you.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
05:49 a.m.
I miss him so much. slept five hours last night. sick from eating only cupcakes yesterday. that was my one allotted day of staying in my room and eating shitty. no more.
miss him. been sleeping in my under-loft bed since he left a week ago. the top bed is too lonely, too far from his memory. found myself thinking about hugging him, slipping my hands under his shirt and feeling his warm smooth skin. his hand on my back. started crying.
thinking about spooning in bed and the happy little animal noises he would make. the way he would wrinkle his nose at me while staring earnestly and making that little cute snorty noise. I miss kissing him, even when he was being goofy. well, especially when he was being goofy because that meant he was happy.
I miss his feet and his cute hairy toes. stroking his leg hair. rubbing his arch. I miss his legs and how he'd flex the muscles for me, to make me oo and ahh and fawn. I miss his hips, his girlish hips and waist. I miss grabbing them and touching them and watching them as he sat. I miss how he would sit, with his legs spread and his torso leaned down between them. so beautiful. so natural.
I miss his back and its soft skin. the shape of it. I miss his stomach and its tiny roundness, his chest and its boyishness. I miss his scar. I miss his scar a lot. I miss putting my palm on it. I miss looking at it. I miss kissing it, though it had been a long time since he'd let me do that. I miss his beautiful arms and graceful hands. I miss his wrists and ankles. I miss kissing his neck and shoulders.
I miss chewing his earlobes and the noise he'd make when I would. I miss his face. oh god. crying again. his eyes. his mouth. everything. can't talk about it. it's too hard.
move on. I miss his hair. the color, texture, everything. the little curl in the back.
I miss his laugh and his smile and his jokes and the way we'd play. I miss doing things with him like we used to do in my old apartment. something gradually changed. what if we started making things together again? I miss his voice. I miss him in my life. I miss him being mine. I miss being his.
his head on my shoulder and my arms around him, eyes closed, caressing. or wearing him like a blanket. hiding under the covers from each other. bouncing in the bed, trying to get his attention. adoring laughter. "I love you." holding hands while riding bikes. holding hands in general. wrestling. it had been a while since we wrestled. watching him do anything, anything at all, was captivating. I miss his smell. I miss his taste. I miss him so so much.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
09:18 p.m.
after math
we stood in the foyer at the foot of the stairs and I could feel the warmth spreading out from my chest, making me tingle. it was a feverish warmth; one that I hadn't felt since we first met. the sense of longing, the need to kiss him. the contrasting knowledge that it couldn't happen.
he looked like he did a year ago, he smelled like he did a year ago. as he explained things to me I found my eyes following his hands, the slender work-worn fingers, so expressive. always moving. always so beautiful.
the feeling grew and I needed him so badly. I think he felt it too because he said he had to leave. I could imagine his lips on mine. his hands. I stopped on the second floor landing to watch him in the car. I have always loved to watch him move. he is so full of grace.
his smooth shaven face, that favorite sweater, his hands, his voice. crying again. in my room I looked in the mirror and I am old and tired. I know we will get through this one way or another. it's just hard to alter this dream I've had. the first week we met we were already saying we were going to be together for a long time. we both knew. we both felt it.
what now?
I need something to believe in.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
12:22 a.m.
dear AJ,
I can't stop being mad at you. You have changed my life and I only met you once or twice. I hate you for what you've done to Rob. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and now he's broken. You have dimmed his light. I hate you so much for doing this. I hate that I cry almost every day because you are dead. I feel so fucking alone. I don't know who to talk to. I feel like I am breaking too.
I hate you for selfish reasons, too. You are fucking up my life because of the pain you've caused, and continue to cause, Rob. Whenever we go to your parents' house they all just sit around and talk about you and try to figure you out like a puzzle. Your mom wants someone to blame. Like that would make you come back, if only she knew who to pin it down on. Well, I can tell her. You. You're to blame. You did this to yourself and now we're all paying for it while you are just ashes.
It's hard for me to be around your mom now, which sucks because I love her. The worst thing about this is that the grieving will never really end. You have permanently altered your entire family's relationship with the world. And me? I feel like time is still stopped at 11:30am on Oct 29, the day I read the text "my brother's dead" from Rob.
Life is frozen there for me. It is stopped at that time and I am still waiting for it to start again. Sure the calendar says it's dec 6, but you and I know the truth. It will always be Oct 29, 2008 somewhere inside of me, just like it will always be Nov 19, 1999 somewhere inside of me too.
I hate you because you took away the chance for me to know you, and to know Rob through you. I hate that you took that from me, that you took away your opportunity to get clean and be a brother to Rob. He loves you so much. He is the best person I have ever met. How could you do this to him? To your parents? To everyone?
You are so stupid. You are so selfish. You are such a fucking asshole and I hate you and I hate you and I wish you were still alive. I don't care about you, but I love your brother more than anything and he does not deserve this. There is no hope when a person is dead. There is only grieving and dealing with that. There is no timeline for grief. There is no getting better. I hate you. I HATE YOU. I will never have a brother in law now, and when Rob and I finally get foster kids (or animals, whatever) they won't have a rapscallion uncle. They'll just have my geeky brother. Who's going to teach them to be cool? Who's going to talk to them about cars? Why the fuck did you do this? Why couldn't you be miserable like the rest of us, why'd you have to make yourself so numb?
Rob and your parents will never get over this. That is what I hate you for. Your carelessness has cost them a brother and a son. I hate you so much. I am so angry.
But you have made me realize what death can do to a family and that is what I think about now when I am suicidal. I can't put the people I love through that.
I wish you could say that you're sorry and could convince Rob that things are ok. I just want him to shine again like he used to. I miss his smile. Things will never be how they were before your death, but if I could just get that piece of it I think it would be ok. If I could have him back with me, I think we could work it out. If he leaves me, I know it will be my fault but I'm also blaming you.
And I hold grudges, AJ.
You have a lot of comforting to do before you can rest in peace. Rob has felt you, so have your parents. Maybe I even have a little. I hope you realize just a fraction of their pain and a bit of my anger. I hope you feel it and it frightens you.
But AJ, if you are watching over them, keep them safe. Be good to them. They love you, and I could have too, despite you flaws. I think you could have grown to be someone better, if you'd just given yourself the chance.
I don't know who I am anymore. Do you know who you are, still? Be at peace, eventually, but first help your family heal a little. And if you have time, help me too.
Sincerely, your future sister-in-law (if Rob doesn't leave me),
scuffy beck wise, former tugboat. future spouse.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
11:47 a.m.
more more ramble ramble help me out
I imagine you to be on a farm, feeling the earth and what it means to you. I imagine you clearing your head and crying over your loss, your multiple loss, and the possibility of losing me.
You belong to the earth. you do not belong in the city among the factories and concrete. your feet need to be barefoot and you need to feel where you are walking and know your place in the path of things.
I don't know where I belong, but I think it might be with you.
It so easy to be sentimental when you are miles and miles away and I can't get a hold of you. not emotionally or physically. I am left in regular life with regular work and regular schedule. get your hands dirty, baby, and then wipe them off before you come to me. but don't get rid of the smell. I miss the scent of strong growing things. I miss the smell of simplicity.
and that's what your brother's death did -- it complicated things. "simplify," your mother said. "be whole," clara told me 9 years ago. I am lost. I am afloat in nothing. I can't feel the ground beneath me or the people around me. all I feel is a tug, tug, tug and I know I am stuck midstream and the thing I was pulling is now pulling me.
my namesake becomes my anchor, and I am taking on water fast. the tugboat becomes the tugee and the barge is going with the current but I am fighting! I am fighting it.
strain, baby, yeah. strain. I feel it too. I feel the emptiness and I feel the futility and I want to die but here I am. alive. the winter is coming.
soon we will be frozen in this river and there will be no saving us. no dock to find, no lifeboats or heroes. it will be our choice to walk across the ice or to die as our respective beings. but I think the problem is that you have never been a barge. this is tugboat against tugboat and we are at a stalemate.
we are strong people.
we can do this.
we are strong people.
I don't know what to do.
all I know is you can't do it alone. neither can I.
Friday, December 5, 2008
11:25 a.m.
there is a disconnect
I am trapped, pushing against some film that keeps me from touching anything. It keeps me in, it clings. and I cling too.
I don't remember what it feels like to flutter against anyone, to feel that beating and pounding and light-headedness. I don't remember what it feels like to be so in love that nothing matters but maintaining it. I don't remember what it feels like to belong and to be content in my mistakes and regrets knowing that it is they that brought me to this point.
I know it was good to feel and recognize that. It was good to not want to die. It was good to sigh in the warmth of someone else's body. It was good to listen to him breathe in his sleep and to watch his ribs rise and fall. It was good to watch his eyelashes flutter and trace the curve of his neck and talk about a future of farms and swimming and bikes and cats and dogs and, eventually, our island where we could be together beyond everything. to hold that image in my heart when I die, whenever that is, is something I must impress upon my imagination.
I will go there when I am dead and I will be with him and everything beautiful no matter what happens now.
because everything looks ugly today. everything feels forced and hard and brittle but unbreakable. every thought brings tears to my eyes and I don't know who to reach out to. I don't know who I am anymore or what my place is among people or in relationships. I don't know how to talk without crying or lying.
let's sit in silence and look at each other. hold my hands and stroke my hair. let me feel your scar again, palm pressed flat against it so I can feel its heat and try to pull the pain out through my veins. let me take every painful memory and turn it into something else. please let me help. I don't like who I was before you. I don't like who I am now. please let's reach that middle ground again and help each other blossom and grow rather than wither from the vine.
I need you. I am fickle and difficult and moody and I love you. I wish I could be something other than these things, but I am not. I have always wanted to be something other than me but here I am.
where are you?
Friday, December 5, 2008
07:09 p.m.
took my medicine this weekend, all weekend, because I can't actually overdose on it. not like death overdose, or sick overdose. I just get lazy overdose. sitting in my room all day, doing nothing but self-medicating. a paper due tomorrow and I feel 18 again. emotionally. maybe even a little of the situation. but it's a different death this year, and my dreams aren't as impressive.
taste of smoke and phlegm. a smell that won't disperse; not through the window or into the hall or disseminated by incense. can't erase the day, or the weekend, or the years. can't wipe it all away.
I can listen to the time passing. I can feel it speed and slow but can't figure out which is happening when. can't concentrate or process. don't want to. why try?
but I can break
can break
break
can break
I can break out of it.
I just have to want to.
I have to want to do it. Do you? Do you want to do it?
break.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
12:06 a.m.
wasn't sure where to put this ..
make fun of me for my close up observation, but I'm the one that gets praised for composition.
take that, art class.
Friday, October 3, 2008
12:01 a.m.
so it goes, bisexuality. blessing or curse.
I moaned while I masturbated. I couldn't help it. staring at a picture of someone I don't know, won't ever know. her small breasts and open jacket. can't remember the last time I got off to a photograph. maybe never.
girls on the brain, in my dreams, and I don't know how to take it. it's like coming out all over again. I say, "I dreamt about a girl last night" and he says, "get up on that!"
I wish it was that easy.
scared scared scared of women and the power between their legs. their passion and their romance and their mouths and lips so tender and sweet. I miss that gentle touch, even when it's rough, it's different than a man's. I miss the smell and the feel and everything.
at the same time terrified of rejection. guys are easy. so easy. women are complicated and how the hell can I tell if they're queer? I don't want a relationship, I don't want to call them, I just want to mess around. I don't think I'm capable of dual relationships anymore. I don't think I have the time or emotional flexibility. but fuck. I miss being with a woman.
Friday, October 3, 2008