10:19 a.m.

another damnable dream
a feeling, that feeling. the one that is only attached to a dream. a dream last night that wasn't beautiful, but just was. there was someone with me, someone that I didn't mean to love. someone that I found and took with me, but who kept leaving.
there was a beach, and a boardwalk, and my skateboard, and trying to find the way to josh's house in shrewsbury with a group of people who didn't know the way.
josh was in lancaster, with hannah, and I was trying to lead these people without knowing where I was going.
and I was in love with someone who kept leaving me, who kept coming back changed.
then I lost my skateboard. and when I was going down the road, I was going so fast without knowing why, except that I felt compelled to go as fucking fast as I possibly could.
but this feeling, I keep having this feeling about this person I loved in my dream. someone who is made of many people in real life, someone who will never really exist.
I hate it, and it makes me sad.

Friday, October 31, 2003

02:12 a.m.

these worthless times
I hate the things I know.
to bathe in ignorance, to not be aware of my surroundings, to not know that ..
oh god, I'm so tired. I keep myself up so I will sleep half the day away. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know what's wrong with me. too much truth and not enough action.
not enough honesty, though. not enough openness.
would you like to hear a story? of course you would, why else would you read my ramblings?
it's always the same. it starts out seeming that a person wants me more than I want them, and by the end of it all, I am hurting myself by thinking of them, and it's no longer reciprocated. same story, every time. almost.
but it's valid now, and I know why.
or I don't know.
but it felt so fucking good at the time, and for a while I fooled myself into believing it could last. regret overwhelms most everything now. regret and absence. it shouldn't be like this--
let me tell a story, let me say something real. four years ago he tried to save me, four years ago I was on the phone with him and he tried to call the police from denver. it hurts so much to remember that time and it's so difficult to talk about, so generally I don't.
it seems that all I ever do is project what I feel for one person onto another. from thirteen on, nearly every relationship has been a rebound of a rebound. constant ricochet.
a computer, a phone, a bed, a fight, darkness. I hate these parellels.
a story, another story, there was this guy who fell in love with me and I ripped him to shreds without even realizing it. I feel guilty about it still, and it was three years ago.
so many stupid love stories. another guy who fucked me then moved to california. another one who fucked me and then just disappeared. another who fucked me and then never called again. I stopped keeping count, I won't even make a list anymore. so many people just use you and think it's alright because you let them inside you.
but it's never just physical.
a piece of them remains, even if they never take you with them. I still have bits of all of them, deep inside me. oh god, and it hurts because almost all of them are unresolved. I am the queen of no closure. I never forget those things. I want to, though.
I hate romance but hold to all these romantic ideals. it's foolish and useless and more trouble than it's worth.
I should just be happy with who I have, and fuck all to the rest.
but I can't. I don't know why.
I think I'm broken.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

11:42 p.m.

update: status : shaky
I fucking hate it when my lips start to go numb and tingle and a shiver runs up my back.
I hate it because it means I'm angry, or hurt, or sad. usually all three.
those feelings, when it feels like my skin is draining off my face, when invisible fingers grab and rip. and I am so overwhelmed I feel nothing but the tingling of my lips and stinging in my eyes.
you don't understand.
you don't know how I miss you. none of you do. it makes me want to never feel anything for a new person ever again. it makes me want to disect my heart and take out all the pieces that have been corrupted by someone's unspoken promises. it makes me want to cry for days. it makes me want to run away.
I want to run away.
from my life, from myself, from the way I feel, from the way I don't feel, from what I've done, and from what I haven't done. away from expectations and stereotypes and pain and joy. to be alone and by myself, just to think.
I miss my field. I miss my stream. I miss thinking that one day everything would fall into place and I would understand.
now I know there's nothing to understand, just a big mess we try to convince ourself has threads. it's all just loose ends, though.
faulty connections.
easily broken knots.
and I am so so sick of trying to untangle it alone.

Monday, October 27, 2003

11:35 p.m.

that's it.
how many times can I say I give up before I really do? he used to sign his letters with "love," now it's just a name. what the fuck do I do to make these things happen? every one of them, every single one, has dropped from me.
I just don't get it.
absence rips you to pieces. it deconstructs the things you thought you had and turns them into memories dimly recalled. rarely recalled.
why am I always on the stupid end of this? why can't I be the doler of pain, why do I always have to be the one to take it? is this threefold for something that I did?
is it ninefold?
this makes no sense. I'll probably never even see them again.

Monday, October 27, 2003

11:29 a.m.

mental status: update
my life right now is an ill-fitting skin. every moment I am home, every time I look at the clock, I am subtracting two hours. at work I wonder what the fuck I am doing. constant doubt, constant uncertainty. everpresent feeling of not belonging, of wondering why I am still here.
why am I still here?

Monday, October 27, 2003

10:52 a.m.

bad enough to be something regretted.
worse to regret yourself.
and what about not knowing? who can say.

Monday, October 27, 2003

10:35 a.m.

love songs
so much potential for one month, so much potential for life. washed away, swirling drainward like fresh blood from a bruise-bashed shirt.
stain me, I can't forget this. catalogue the feelings like so many others, waiting to be recalled by a word or a song lyric. a memory to rise at inopportune times, at the darkness, at the rain, at a fire.
it's alright now, I swear it's fine, it's just that so many feelings get jumbled and tied together. linked and tangled, unrelated experiences become the same person and I'm left unfulfilled with partial memories. I can't seem to extrapilate one person from the next, and instead am just carpeted by an overwhelming feeling of otherness.
something sad, something beautiful, something broken, but above all else -- something now unattainable. something I had for just a moment that won't ever be the same again.
it makes me so sad, and yet so happy to at least have had that time.

Monday, October 27, 2003

12:08 a.m.

I keep thinking of the darkness and the cold, the dogs and dead man. the best part of any relationship is the beginning, when things are new and beautiful, and every action is rife with opportunity.
so many things happen in the darkness. secrets and dreams are born, whispers, features memorized and categorized. put away for a later time, when it's known such things will never be experienced again.
so here I am, filing, remembering, and thinking about dead man. thinking about the cold, and a dream I used to have that is now also dead and cold.
an extinguished ember. a piece of ash.
it's all I can do now to listen to other people's sadness so I don't have to focus on mine. mostly I just want to bang my head against a wall because I miss them so much.

Friday, October 24, 2003

11:25 p.m.

dilemma.
tired of using other people's words to describe how I feel.
tired of being inspired by other people's words.
tired of being selfish.
tired of being me.
tired of just letting life happen to me.
maybe I should just go to sleep.
oh, except I'm tired of dreaming.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

10:45 p.m.

a few days old, almost still relevant
another dream flounders in the shower, as I tearlessly put it to rest through kisses with my husband. I can't take another one of these, I swear I can't, another dream come to life then killed just as swiftly.
a magic day that I can't express vividly enough with words, that no one can understand unless they could crawl into my head and feel everything that I've ever felt. know all the emotions that have culminated in that day, know all the days that one night could bring. if I could rewind and replay I would make it known to the world what I've been feeling, and everything would make sense again. I would be happy and my life would be perfection.
I know what it feels like to skate alone and I know how it is to be unable to have the one spark in your life that could change everything. I have felt those claws and I know the type of love you have to hide for fear of losing it.
to have one of your dreams laying in your arms, all the while knowing it can't last.
and suddenly all the things I couldn't say seem cheap and useless. there's no point in anything. tears run down my face and there are things he'll never hear from me because I can't say them. he may understand too well or not at all.
the thing I hid for so many years erupted, and now must be forced back down again. it hurts more than if it had never come to light at all.
imagine, for a moment, being born into a dark room with one small slit of light leading to outside. grow up for years, imagining that beauty through the walls. then one day you are allowed to prance into it for two days, one night, all the while knowing you will have to return to the darkness.
are you better for having experienced it, or does it only make the absence more poignant?
all these things I can't say anymore. all these things I can't do.
I say I will be fine, but I know I've lost yet another piece of myself.
I wonder if he even realizes.
I wonder if I only want it because I can't have it, or if I want it because I never thought I'd have the chance and now I realize maybe I could have. if only things had been different.
these are such useless ponderings.
another stupid dream.
just more drama I shouldn't even worry about. more shit I don't want to put him through.
oh, and again, I'm so fucking sorry. like I said, I don't want to be another thing to regret.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

01:37 a.m.

babblicious in the wake of entry loss
count on one hand the number of hearts I've broken without breaking myself. curl those fingers into a fist and lash out, crush as many hearts as can be held.
but nothing can compare to the way I break my own heart with my dreams.
nothing comes close to the hope that will not cease, and in its ceaselessness, aches.
oh and there are these boys I miss, and I hate myself for wanting them. I hate myself for dreaming and for hoping and wishing. I hate not being satisfied and I hate desire.
I hate hate, and I'm tired of using that word.
let me say this much, then: I miss romance and getting to know a person. that is why I can't be mono, it just bores me. no matter how much I love someone, inevitably they bore me. no matter how creative, interesting, sporadic .. bored. I fear the worst, I fear the best. most of all I fear stagnation.
I am the dog being held in the air, running for the ball I cannot get.
just put me on the fucking floor and let me go to.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

12:36 a.m.

eternal problem
I gave my pretty words to a boy who forgot to give them back. he tossed them aside and never looked back, but I was too scared to pick them up again.
and I'm working with a limited vocabulary -- I only have one language to choose from and sometimes I wonder if it's even mine. I hate to repeat myself, I want originality.
I fucked a boy who said such dirty things to me. it felt good, but inside I cringed. later I talked to other girls I found out he'd fucked and they repeated what he'd said to them, and it was exactly the same. right down to every sex scenario. even the anal sex.
he tied me down, but I tie myself up with my words, with my wants. and my mind refuses to allow me the freedom to say what I want because my heart has tape all over it.
someone write this down, I'm having an epiphany, but I can't seem to express it. the words just won't come, and my fingers are too clumsy to express it visually. the soul of an artist, the passion of it all, but without the skill to share.
someday, someday I swear I'll get it right.
I've been swearing it for years.

Saturday, October 4, 2003

11:59 a.m.

the worst time of year
all these memories. the chillness reminds me of walking around the back of goucher college with a girl named autumn, as I tried to find decent trees to draw. talking about her girlfriend mel and other things. connecting.
they sent their bi-racial zebra when I was in the ward, they sent a note and I cried. I cried a lot four years ago.
I cried because I loved, and hurt, and couldn't have what I wanted. now everything that was beautiful then makes me cry now because it seems like I'll never be able to capture it again.
I cry for the memory of those leaves and those trees and the innocence I lost. and I hate it.
and I hate myself for crying over things I can't control and a situation I should have never let myself get mired in. I hate that the years have leeched my creativity and somehow I feel less honest for having lost that part of me. I used to make such beautiful things, and now I'm just floundering.
this time of year is worst. it's so beautiful, but so fraught with memories. I don't want to regret. I don't want to remember.
I want to just let go.
I want to be whole.

Friday, October 3, 2003

09:17 a.m.

I love to feel him breathe. it shouldn't be as simple as that, but it is. I love resting my head on his back while we're laying down, cupping him with my thighs, listening to him breathe, feeling the warmth of him radiate into me. it's beautiful, it's amazing, it's something I hope I never stop appreciating.

Thursday, October 2, 2003

09:08 a.m.

blathering of a tired mind
we are the dreamers. we are the hopeful hopeless ones. all we can do is search for the beauty in everything, in everyone, regardless of appearance.
we leave secrets out in the open, because they're so unbelievable no one could possibly understand. there's no fear of being found out by the others, the borings, the everyone-that-isn't-us. how can we keep from loving everything we see?

Thursday, October 2, 2003

03:42 p.m.

relatively relevant.
"you're the one I want" by jets to brazil.
Blooming black
Flower wine,
Slashed arms and new cut smiles.
Taller for the falling down,
Stronger now without you 'round.
The prophecies were realized
When we gave them proper time.
All truths come to light
After lies have had their right.
You've grown more beautiful
Since you took off.
What can I do? I'm in love with you
And it won't stop.
You're the one I want.
You're the one I want.
Cookie crumb and alcohol,
Crooked hands the band's on hold
'cause your shoulders make me old
And your concerns, they leave me cold.
And it's hard to leave you
But it's harder to believe you.
Harder to believe you
When you smile crooked style.
You're grown more beautiful
Since you tok off.
What can I do? I'm in love with you
And I can't stop.
What's best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody.
What's best for everyone is killing me.
Let me down.
Set me down.
Let me down
Easy.
Blood crushed from a clock.
I'm not in love but we just talk
And your teeth make me weak
Ad you're keeping them from me.

Friday, September 26, 2003

12:33 a.m.

ignorance is what?
feeling in circles, catching my tail between my teeth. snap, snap, snap.
and I'm sick of never being able to just be. to not accept it all and let it wash over me. tired of obsessing and regressing and just transferring feelings to something else.
same old, same old, spiralling and crashing, crashing into spirals. sucking and fucking and just dragging me down.
I say hormonal, I say emotional, I say confused, I say stagnation. all things and more.
the dreams are going to start again, I can feel it. dreams with false promises and feelings I can never touch. someone I will love that will never exist.
we say "not fair," without realizing it's our fault. we've imposed such limitations; the structure and ideals. if I could only lower my standards, if only I could fit in .. if I could be known, if I could know, then would things be so different?
what is happiness anyway, but the refusal to acknowledge sadness?

Thursday, September 25, 2003

11:12 a.m.

flogging a dead dream.
every crush feels like a rebound, it just adds more melancholy to the mix. a dream told me that he couldn't talk to me or be in touch with me because he didn't want to hear about new people I was dating. he couldn't bear it. I've had no answer from him for close to two months now and it still pains me. I wonder if it hurts him too, if he thinks this is for the best, if it is for the best.
my crushes do not last like it did with him, and I can't figure out why he matters so much to me, except that it's because he won't talk anymore. I want it because it seems there's no way I'll get it again. no way he'll acknowledge me except in face to face, and then all he'll do is lie.
I just didn't think it'd end like this. I thought it would be more impressive and final. I thought it would make sense. I don't want him to fade out of me, I don't want to never walk with him again. I'm holding on because I don't want to lose him completely.
even though the feeling apparently isn't mutual. I just didn't think I'd done anything wrong to warrant this treatment.
all I ever was, was me.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

11:38 a.m.

waiting for closure.
I don't have to tell you that it hurt for you to understand. play ignorant all you want, it doesn't matter anymore. there is no call coming, no letter in the mail. there is nothing in between the lines.
burn the words you wrote, I don't want them anymore. they are lies now and you won't redeem them. I don't want to be bitter or feel unloved, I just want this to be over. I want you back, but not the way you are or were. I want simplicity.
don't mention the memories, I won't play anger. no rememberance, no caught eyes, no pleading. I just want honesty. why is that so hard now?
things haven't changed; you have. become clear on where you stand or you'll always have faulty footing. the truth, not misdirected glances. not mumbled answers.
you can't reinvent yourself just because your life became inconvenient. we're always here, ready to remind you.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

08:32 p.m.

hope's folly.
every time the phone rings, every time there's a knock at the door, every time I leave work, every time I go to work, every time I answer the phone there, every day I wake up, every night I go to sleep, every time I come home, every time I check the caller ID, every time there's a message in my mail box, every time the mail comes, every time I check my email, every time I check responses on my journal, every fucking day.
there might be a sign that he misses me.
there might be a sign that he wants me.
there might be a chance that he's trying to get in touch with me.
but it's all fruitless. there never is. I make lists in my head of the things I hate about him, and it just doesn't work.
I can't figure out how to move on, or why he'd want to not be with me.
I just don't fucking get it.

Tuesday, September 2, 2003

09:46 p.m.

using sex as a way to gauge attractiveness is a really stupid unit of measurement.
guys will fuck anything.
using sex as a way to gain affections of others is equally stupid. once the passion fades, you're left with nothing but a yearning for someone that isn't who they appeared to be.
why does it matter how people feel about me? why should I be upset that someone doesn't miss me? why should I be sad that I don't, or won't let myself, fit into the societal norms of beauty?
all that should matter is how I feel about myself, and yet I am so influenced by others' opinions that it sickens me.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

09:18 p.m.

meaningless realizations?
crying while I drive because I can't stop hoping. I can't kill my dreams and I can't drown my hope. I hate myself more and more each time I cry.
ashamed for feeling this way, for not being able to let go. for feeling that the feeling is not recipricated, for feeling he doesn't miss me, for everything.
it becomes more than just one relationship. my tears encompass every boy I've loved and every one I've been fucked by. I kept hoping I could be a heart breaker, but I only hurt myself. only one time was someone hurt, and I regret that so intensely I know it's a black mark against me.
pieces of me have gone to so many people I'm amazed there's anything left.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

09:19 p.m.

notes on reality.
if I asked you why,
would you wonder?
if I asked you how,
could you answer?
how many nights have you spent sighing,
how many times did you fight back anger?
no words can go into this feeling
you couldn't possibly understand.
what is heart break to one who's never been broken?
what is money to middle class suburbia?
you won't, you can't, you couldn't
there's nothing that can be done
there's nothing you'd even try to do.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

08:44 p.m.

optimism.
things might finally be ok again.

Thursday, August 14, 2003