Saturday, January 17, 2009

this was relevant
I have found my semblance of peace, but this song is still true to me, though it doesn't make me ache like it did a week or a month (and everything in between) ago.
I don't feel heart broken anymore, but that's my doing and no one else's. But for the time it hurt, it lasted a year to me.
But this is for you Robbie, and I sing along to it at the top of my lungs and think about you. And it is still true, but it doesn't hurt like it used to.

Diamond State Heartbreak, by Lucero. It was going to be on a mix I was going to make, the list for which I'm going to burn with my journal.
Take care baby. You're always in my heart and on my mind.

I tried not to call you
I wondered where you are
I still glance your eyes up in the stars
But now when I see you
I feel like a fool
I wish you wouldn't have seen me fall so hard
I fell like a star
And you broke my heart

let it go, let it go, I let it go.
can you?

08:09 p.m.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

one last letter, before I forget
Dear Robbie,
Understanding clicked for me at 6am, an hour before I had to get up. But once it was in my head, I couldn't fall back asleep so here I am, writing it out.
There is a lot of shit going on in your life right now. I keep saying, "it just isn't healthy for him to start a relationship without dealing with his multiple griefs first." And I am right. But there is a lot of shit going on in your life, and maybe right now you just need that bright light that Kristen provides. Because you and I have changed from your brother's death. We have changed irrevocably and neither of us will ever be the people we were a year ago, when I was your bright light.
No, you are not being healthy. Yes, you are being hypocritical. You are viewing things in a very black and white manner, going with feelings alone and not using your brain. But you are also trying to make a very difficult part of your life a little better and sometimes that involves choices that aren't necessarily the best in the long term but help out a lot in the short. I think that right now all your life is short-term. With me, your life was all long-term. So long-term that we forgot to take care of the immediate.
I wish I was your bright light, the one to hold you and soothe you and read you. But I'm not anymore. But I love you, and when you are ready to deal with all of your shit, I will be here to hold your hand as a friend. We were partners once, you and I. Somewhere we still are. That is a comfort to me. Somewhere we got it right, somewhere we will have our farm and in that future we will have our beautiful island together. But not this one. Not this life.
I know you and I will be together again, just not in this lifetime. We had too much of a connection when we met for that to not happen. Death changes us. Your leaving me has severely changed me. That's a death of sorts, too. I have never felt this way before. You are still the single most important thing that has ever happened to me, but now that is tinged with grief and the type of change that can only be brought about by catastrophic loss. It is sudden, and painful, and takes a long time to understand.
But I am a better person for having known you, loved you, and lost you.
Oh Robbie. I miss you so much and I will never meet another person like you. I have been finding my peace through conversations with others, yes, but mostly through my own understanding. I wish that I'd been able to do that when we were together, but since I couldn't then at least I can take it to my future relationships. You gave me a dream of a life with someone. A life that could last. You gave me a kind of hope I'd never had before, and an openness to a future I'd not considered. One that is settled, with children, with quiet joy, with a house and a farm and animals. With love. You gave me love, and trust, and hope. I can never thank you enough for that.
I will never know what you are really going through, but honestly I have a pretty good idea. My grief runs in parallels with your mom's, which I imagine is similar to your's. I understand better than you know. Thank you for that gift as well.
I hope your bright light doesn't burn you, but it will because that is what brightness does. Just remember to learn from it and embrace it and use it to fuel the healing you so desperately need. These are hard times for us all and the only way we can get through them is by reaching out to each other and realizing we are not alone. You are not alone. You do not need to deal with this alone. One person cannot support you. I couldn't do it for you, you couldn't do it for me. The same is true for you and Kristen. Do not get caught in the trap that you and I fell into. Remember to be with your friends and share with them and never let anyone control you. Live your life, don't let anyone live it for you.
You are special. You can be strong. You are intelligent. Use your resources to heal, not to forget or become co-dependent with someone. Remember that things didn't start out that way with you or I either. Don't let someone else's needs eclipse your own. And don't forget to communicate.
I love you. I am so sad that things have gone this way. But I feel better for my understanding, and I hope that you can see it and how I've grown and how we have both changed.
love always,
scuffy

06:06 a.m.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

traded my heart for a hand grenade and he called my bluff. pulled the pin and left me to deal. tired of hiding it, I now wear my heart on my sleeve so I can watch its mangled healing.
he loved me and left me and swiftly moved on to someone else. now his life is spiraling downwards and I find myself laughing. I laugh when I'm alone, when I think of how badly he's fucked up. I laugh because it hurts, because most of it was so avoidable. I laugh so I don't lapse. I laugh because I don't know what else to do.
he's fucked up so badly. dead brother. lost job. torn me. stupid new relationship. blind. so blind. I find it hard to sympathize. after all, where was his compassion when he was rubbing salt in my wounds?
this will hurt for a long time, in between the laughter and numbness. sometimes I think, "I don't love him anymore" but I don't really believe it. I have never fallen out of love. I can't imagine it would start now.
I was holding onto the idea that we'd be together again. now I must wonder: would I even want that? do I want to be with someone so stubborn, who is controlling but hates to be controlled? someone who makes such poor poor choices when left to his own devices?
I don't think I do.
This would be so much easier if he'd stayed single. it's a stab in the chest (where the heart isn't anymore? where the hole is?) every time I think about it. I feel betrayed. utterly. unabashedly. and he hides from me. I think he is ashamed but can't even admit it.
I am tired.
this is tiring.
I love myself. I have changed, and it is for the better. and him? well. time will tell, but the way things look now I just have to follow my mantra: they are his mistakes to make. I cannot control him. I can either be upset and let myself be stuck or accept it and move on.
I am healthy.
I am fine.
I am laughing, because my life is nothing like his. he has dug his own grave.

11:34 p.m.