11:47 p.m.

a toast
the thing about me is that I'm easily distracted. you have to keep me interested if you want to keep me around. that's why he and I lasted four years - he let me find my own interests.
dating a woman was interesting enough that I stuck around, but when she started gaining weight and the novelty of dating a lady wore off and the burden of dating someone not smart enough started to wear me down ... well, it was time to go.
now she's buzzing off her hair and making art all the time and doing tons of things that would have kept me around for longer. not forever, but for longer. she's living her own life and I'm living mine and the only thing missing in mine is her. if only we could have been together without being inseparable. we're both dropping weight but it's not together. and I miss her. I always miss her. even when I'm not.
here's to us, and our inabilities. here's to moving on physically, even if the emotions still stick. here's to not talking or running into each other. here's to us and everything we refused to be.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

11:21 a.m.

it's everywhere, 22 days later
I wonder how you are. I want to write poetry. I want to see your face. I want to kiss you and hold your hand again. I want us to be in love.
It's over, I feel a little hollow, I feel a little happy, I wish we were able to be together but in a different capacity. I'm glad I'm single, I want to love you, I miss you being pressed against me, I feel empty in the sex I've had without you.
It's empowering, it's disarming, it's disappointing, it's amazing. I wonder how you are.
I wonder if you read my letter. I wonder if you'll reply. I hope you're happy. I hope you don't think about me. I hope you don't miss me. I hope nothing reminds you of me. I hope we're both entirely unaffected.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

12:08 p.m.

look at what we've become
the card wasn't made by you, even though I can imagine the sentiment pouring from your fingers. the hand writing seems off and why would you have something from j.crew?
it's true that the pain is fading, even though I miss you every day and will for quite some time. I still relate things back to you and I don't think I'll ever be able to be in a serious relationship with another man. you showed me there's another way. you let me see what completes me, even if you couldn't fit that hole entirely.
that's the wrong analogy - I am a whole person. women complement my needs better than men ever will. my relationships with men, even when deep, seem shallow compared to what I had with you. there were things I couldn't tell you but if I had just been able to really let go I think things would have been a little different. if we had not been who we were, everything would have been just fine.
I will never ever forget you. but for now I am working on moving past you, even if I stumble all the time. I am bruised for falling my palms are skinned from catching myself. I hold fast to the hope that one day you will be there to help me up; that we will be able to smile at each other again and just be ourselves. someday maybe we can talk and hang out without awkwardness and when I go out I won't have to worry about seeing you. I so badly want us to be friends. I so badly want you in my life in some capacity. that is what I clung to for the past months. that is what made me stay so long.
I hope you're ok. part of me wants to hurt you because I'm still hurting too. I try not to. I try not to indulge the pain. I don't want to set fire to the only things that could connect us. I don't want to lose you completely.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

12:00 p.m.

no I'm not and yes there is.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

10:56 p.m.

days without her
it has been
ten days
and I have not given in. I have not relapsed to her. I am still me.
all my roommates say
"you seem so much happier"
and I have to take their word for it.
though I also see for myself.

she said she doesn't understand but there was a time when she said that reading this helped her to know why it all happened.
we never really talked about it, I didn't really explain myself outside of the other two breakups but if she had asked any questions outside of the context I would have gladly answered.

but not enough.
there is this sensation of guilt that trails me like dust in a dry field when you walk on a sunny day and everywhere your feet kick up a cloud that you can't quite get rid of and when you get home your mucus is black and your fingernails are filthy and you have to wash all of your clothing-
and that's part of why I left her too.
I was sick of her not living up to my expectations and me feeling bad about it. and sick of not being what I know she deserves.
now I
am different but I
am still the same and I
wonder how she misses me but I
can't even ask her.

and that's fine.

Monday, September 24, 2007

12:30 a.m.

"a sex thing"
I feel too good today to care. had a long bike ride. had a good fuck. already know what I'll do differently next time. 1) allow for more time. 2)lube. 3)fingering.
emotionally I am unattached. he was much more tender than I expected. he kissed me sweetly and rubbed my back. he kissed my forehead, my cheek, my shoulders. I was just looking for rough, quick sex and I didn't get much of that.
he sent me a message later about his jello legs. he hadn't ridden a bike in ten years and today we went out for a couple miles, walked a cemetery, and then had sex for who knows how long. longer than anyone else I've ever been with. any other man, at least. she and I used to while away entire nights. once she brought me to orgasm three times.
I didn't tonight, but maybe next time, when I am less desperate, he and I can take our time and do things right.
here is what I am doing - I am finding people who are emotionally unavailable to me though there is mutual attraction physically. we are friends but there is no romance in the dating sense. I am setting myself to not get hurt. I hope. I feel really ok about this right now. I don't want to get involved with people that I would actually want to date someday (in what? three years? five? ever?).
well. let's see how it goes.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

12:29 a.m.

9/21/07 - one week later.
"I miss you so much im in denial about it. Im numb to everything. this is what you want though. I dont understand."
but she said she did understand when it was happening.
what changed?

Sunday, September 23, 2007

08:20 p.m.

I really miss her tonight.
I am having such a good time in my apartment and I wish she was here to share it with me. at the very least I wish I could text her to tell her how awesome it is. it's those little things I miss; our constant communication; her excitement for my excitement.
all day I have missed her. I don't know what to do.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

11:35 p.m.

explanation
the only thing I've ever filtered out is names. now I want to write and feel restricted. I don't want to be restricted. that's why I have this journal.
let me tell you-
I feel the winter seeping into my bones. I taste the bitter on the wind and it settles inside of me. but I am not bitter. I am free.
the leaves are changing and I am changing too. I can be light again, I am unchained, I miss her.
here is a short list, here is what the photographs reminded me, here is what I thought of today: